


put it into words

by akosmia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dogs, F/M, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Pets, Reylo AU Week, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-06-30 05:03:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15744843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akosmia/pseuds/akosmia
Summary: "Have you ever had a dog before?" she asks him, casting a glance into his direction. Her profile is sharp - high cheekbones, straight nose, a dusting of freckles dotting her skin - and Ben is fascinated by her to the point he doesn't remember how to talk anymore.He tries anyway. "No," he says, then he scrunches up his nose. "Yes. No".Congratulation, Solo, you really have a way with words. How you even manage to write books is really a mystery.She barely turns into his direction, staring at him with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. It makes him blush even harder, red ears peaking through his hair. "Do you answer all the questions like that?"-- or: Ben went out to get a dog, and he got home with a poodle and a crush on the girl working at the shelter. That's life, right?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the first day of Reylo AU Week, for the prompt Modern AU, and it's basically just an excluse for fluff, because the only thing I love more than Ben Solo is probably dogs, so why not put the two things together?
> 
> Two things before getting started:  
> \- I know that's probably not how shelters works. I researched it, but I got sad about it because I am a baby, and I decided to take some, ehm, creative licence because otherwise it was going to be less fluffy and we can't have that.  
> \- Despite me studying to become a therapist one day, I'm nowhere near that, so all the things said here are to take like product of my imagination and not like, serious therapy advice.

Ben blinks once, then twice, staring at his therapist with raised eyebrows. "A dog," he says, skeptical.

His therapist, having known him for the past six months, is not bothered in the slightest by his reaction, and she simply nods, the hair around her face moving as she does. "A dog," she repeats.

Ben can't still wrap his mind around that. He breathes in, then breathes out, furrowing his brow. "Four-legged, tail-wagging dog?" he asks, as if the whole concept of _dog_ was foreign to him.

She takes a deep breath. It's not quite a sigh, because it would be a little bit unprofessional, as she has repeatedly put it, but it's the closest thing to a sigh she allows herself to let out, and Ben doesn't blame her. "Yes, Ben," she says, with all the patience she can muster, which is a lot, since she has been dealing with him once a week for months, by now. "That's the general idea".

He presses his lips together, then proceeds to stare at his hands, as if fascinated by the pattern of moles and freckles on his pale complexion. "I don't think that's a good idea," he says, in the end, not daring to raise his eyes.

Her gaze cuts through him all the same, even if he doesn't look back at her. Sometimes, he feels awfully exposed, but, he supposes, that's the point of therapy, so complaining about it seems pointless anyway. "Are you allergic to dogs?"

It seems just as pointless to lie. He shakes his head. "No".

"Are you afraid of dogs?"

He shakes his head again. "No," he replies. "Not at all".

She stays in silence for a minute, and Ben can still feel her gaze on him. "Then why do you think it's not a good idea?"

He hates this part - the part in which he has to explain what he feels, and why he feels that way. He supposes that's why he ended up in therapy in the first place - because he didn't know how to put a name to the feelings that were eating away at his heart day by day, and didn't know how to solve the tangled mess his own emotions had become. He knows this, he's aware of this - but it's still pretty difficult to give a reason for his feelings, when he has spent years of his life just avoiding his emotions altogether, pretending there was nothing wrong with that and hoping for the best.

"It's just ..." he shrugs, pressing his lips together. The doctor doesn't press him, and waits patiently for his answer, her gaze still on him. It's not unkind, and it doesn't make him feel uncomfortable. It's just ... well, new. "I don't think I'll be very good at taking care of another living thing. I can barely take care of myself on a good day".

His words are met with a small laughter. He finally raises his eyes, surprised, and he notices the kind smile on her face as she looks at him.

"We have already talked about this, Ben. You have to give yourself some credit," she tells him. Her voice is warm, and her gaze is steady, and Ben doesn't know how to react to all of this, so he just presses his lips together as usual and hopes for some sort of guidance. "You're doing better. You're actually making efforts here, and you're improving. I'm not saying you should go and get a dog the second you get out of my office".

He raises his eyebrows. "No?"

She laughs again, softly. "No," she confirms. "But what I'm trying to say is that pets, especially dogs, help us to deal with anxiety and depression. They give us unconditional love, and a structure, something to care for when we can't take care of ourselves".

Ben stares at his hands again. "What if I'm not able to ..." he tries to say, fighting the urge to shrink into his own shoulders. Being so tall and broad, he has always felt like all he wanted to do was curl up and hide himself. "I don't know, love them the way they deserve?"

It's not about the dog. He knows it, his therapist knows it - probably even the walls know it. Nobody mentions it, though.

"I think we both know you're able to," she says, and to that, Ben doesn't know how to reply.

He stays a few minutes in silence. "I'll try," he whispers, in the end.

*

"You know what," Poe starts, as he dips one of his fries in the ketchup and then proceeds to bring it to his mouth. "I think it's a great idea".

Ben groans, throwing his head back as he usually does when Poe says something he doesn't agree with. "You also thought it was a great idea to eat ramen on an upside down Frisbee instead of on a plate," he reminds him, raising his eyebrows, to which Poe replies with an offended expression and a finger pointed in his direction, ready to defend himself. "Forgive me if I don't exactly trust your judgment on things".

Poe makes an equally offended noise that matches his expression. "I was seventeen!"

"Twenty one".

"Same thing," he replies, with a vague gesture of his hand that probably means something along the lines of _stop bringing up the mistakes of my youth, I am a grown man who can deal with responsibilities now._ Ben knows he's probably right about it, but he decides not to mention it. "Look, it's a good idea. When me and Finn first started to date, I was worried he'd be bothered by BB8 but instead it kind of helped? You know, with his anxiety and stuff. He was more relaxed when BB8 cuddled him. It helped a lot".

Ben runs a hand through his hair, as he brings the bottle of beer to his mouth and takes a sip of it. "I don't know, Poe," he says, shrugging again, almost desperate to shrink into his seat and disappear. "I'm not that great at taking care of myself".

To say that Poe knows it by now would be an understatement - Poe fucking knows everything about him, after all. He knows at what time he gets up in the morning and at what time he crashes into bed at night, and what he does during the day. He knows his favorite movies and the ones he can't stand. He knows how he likes his coffee, how many plaid shirt he owns, and exactly how drunk he got at his sixteen birthday when they had sneaked out of his parents' house to down one can of beer after another in the old treehouse in the Damerons' little garden.

That's the point of a best friend, Ben supposes.

So that's why Poe gives him a knowing look, staring at him above his burger with the expression of a man who has had to deal with Ben for far too long. Ben doesn't blame him either. "That's the point," he says, and, before Ben can reply, he raises his hand and stops him. "No, listen to me for once, you idiot. You can take care of yourself, I know you can. The thing with the dog, it gives you a routine. A structure. You'll have to step away from your computer every once in a while and exit your goddamn house. That's why I think it's a good idea. When was the last time you went out?"

Ben raises his eyebrows again, confused. "Now?" he asks, gesturing vaguely around him, as if he wanted to show the whole pub to Poe, who's probably already aware of it anyway.

Poe, of course, groans, because that's how people react when Ben acts like himself. "Yes, after I pestered you about it for nearly two weeks. You even keep on putting off the double date with that friend of Finn, it's getting ridiculous," he mutters, as he takes another fry. Before Ben can protest and say that he doesn't really want to date right now and he has other things to take care of, thank you very much, Poe sighs. "Yes, yes, I know you've got a book to write. But you could use some fresh air too, Ben. You look really ... _pale_ ".

Ben knows he has fought the urge to say he looks like shit, so he doesn't complain or try to defend himself anymore, and he actually gives Poe points for at least trying. He knows he's right anyway. He does look pale. And shitty. And probably like someone who hasn't seen the sun or the real world, for the matter, in months. "I know," he says, in the end, letting out a deep breath. "I just ... a dog? What if I can't take care of it? What if I end up hurting it? What if it hates me?"

His waterfall of questions is met with a deep laughter, which he thinks he deserves, in the end.  

"Shut up," Poe says, simply, shaking his head. "Look, Finn works for a dog shelter nearby. It's a very nice place, I'll text you the address".

He can recognize a lost battle when he sees one.

*

The shelter is different from how he had pictured it. It's a lot more colorful and vibrant than he had imagined it, even from the outside. There are a few plants around the building, many flowers, and the walls are painted in a nice pastel red. It's - well, very different from what he expected.

He stares at it, awkwardly standing in front of the door, glancing down at his phone to check the address Poe had texted him a few days ago, afraid of having messed it up somehow and ended up in the wrong place, but no. It's the right place - he just didn't imagined it like this.

He takes a deep breath, staring at the door. He still can't believe he's doing this - he's listening to _Poe_ , the same person who convinced him butterflies were made of actual butter, when he was a kid, and that got him impossibly drunk the night before graduation.

That Poe, who somehow, between a fuck up and the other, has managed to become a well-adjusted adult who actually has some sort of right to give him advices. Still, a dog.

"Hey," a voice says, bringing him back to reality. "Are you okay?"

He realizes he has been standing in front of the door for at least ten minutes, and a blush starts to creep on his cheeks, as he turns to face the person who has spoken. He's met with curious hazel eyes, a constellation of freckles and raised eyebrows. The girl in front of him seems as unexpected as the whole shelter - she has chestnut hair that brushes against her shoulders, and her skin is almost golden. She seems to glow, in the light of the sun, and he's taken aback for a moment.

All the words he has ever known immediately disappear from his mind. His mouth is dry, and when he parts his lips to say something, nothing comes out of it.

When he doesn't reply immediately, her eyebrows shoot even higher, and she stares at him, expectantly, nodding in the direction of the door. Oh. Right. _Fuck_ , that's why he doesn't ever leave the house.

"Oh. Yes, sorry," he murmurs, stepping aside and letting her open the door.

"Want to come inside?" she asks, keeping the door open for him, and staring at him with a questioning look. _No_ , he wants to say, _thank you but not really_ , but he can't exactly back down now - it would be even more awkward to walk away as if nothing ever happened, so he takes a deep breath and follows her inside.

"Sorry for ... well, that," he murmurs, bringing a hand at the base of his neck and rubbing his skin. "It's just ... not exactly what I expected from a shelter," he adds, as a sort of explanation for his awkward behavior, as she closes the door behind him.

The girl lets out a little giggle. It's a silvery sound, pure and sincere, and it suits her well, he thinks. _Don't be stupid about this_ , he tells himself, but when exactly has he not been stupid about anything at all? "Don't worry, we get that a lot," she says, as she makes her way into the lobby. He raises his eyebrows, confused, and she laughs again. "I work here. It's a smaller shelter, we take in fewer dogs, but we try to provide them a comfortable home until they get adopted".

Oh. "Oh," he murmurs, pretty stupidly, as he looks at her. He's fascinated by the pattern of freckles on her nose - he has never seen someone with so many freckles before, and they suit her face. _Stop it, you idiot, stop staring, for God's sake. That's what you get for never leaving your house._ "Makes sense," he add, and then he cringes, waiting for the ground to swallow him whole.

Her smile widens, and she exhales, loudly, as if she found him particularly funny, even if Ben doesn't know how she manages to. Nobody has ever found him funny, if not in an exasperated kind of way, a sort of _you're so_ _annoying it's funny_ kind of way. "Are you here to adopt?"

His stomach twists as she stares at him, expectantly.

"Yes. No," he says, because he's himself, and after all these years he still doesn't know how to handle that. He cringes again, as she watches him with a raised eyebrow, clearly confused. "I don't know it yet," he adds, as explanation, hiding his hands in the pocket of his jeans.

Surprisingly, she nods. "It's understandable. It's a big decision, after all," she comments, and her smile doesn't falter for one minute. She looks - so warm, Ben thinks. Maybe it's the deep brown of her hair, or the golden of her skin, or maybe the way she smiles, but she radiates warmth the way he radiates social anxiety and general awkwardness.

She clears her throat, bringing him back to reality again. "Would you like to see the dogs?"

Well, that can't hurt. After all, he's here for that and not to make a fool out of himself. He nods. "Yes, thank you".

Her smile grows wider still, and she guides him in a sunny hallway, Ben trailing besides her, his eyes never really leaving her frame. Standing so close to her, he realizes she barely reaches his shoulders - she's not short, for a girl, but he's so unnecessary tall that she seems petite, next to him.

She clears her throat again. "Have you ever had a dog before?" she asks him, casting a glance into his direction. Her profile is sharp - high cheekbones, straight nose, a dusting of freckles dotting her skin - and Ben is fascinated by her to the point he doesn't remember how to talk anymore.

He tries anyway. "No," he says, then he scrunches up his nose. "Yes. No".

_Congratulation, Solo, you really have a way with words. How you even manage to write books is really a mystery._

She barely turns into his direction, staring at him with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. It makes him blush even harder, red ears peaking through his hair. "Do you answer all the questions like that?"

A strangled little sound escapes his lips, and she lets out another giggle. The sound reverberates in the small hallway, and it envelopes him. "No, sorry," he replies, wincing at his own awkwardness. Talking has never been his stronger suit, and he has spent - well, probably the last year of his life avoiding every social contact, with the exception of his therapist and Poe, so it's not exactly unexpected, but he cringes all the same. "My father used to have a dog, when I was a kid. He wasn't around much, though, so ..."

_Stop talking about your life traumas with a stranger, for God's sake._

The smile falters from her face, and she bites down on her bottom lip, her eyes skimming over him. "Oh," she whispers, simply. Her voice sounds unsure, as if she didn't really know what to say.

An awkward silence falls on them, and Ben curses at himself in his mind. He hates this, but he must admit Poe is right - it's been far too long since he has stepped into the world, and even if he has never been quite the social butterfly, it's becoming unbearable. He'll probably end up with a permanent frown on his features from wincing too hard and too often, after this conversation.

He's relieved when they reach the end of the hallway, and she opens a door, the smile back on her face. "Here we are," she says, keeping the door open for him. He steps in, before he can actually say something stupid that will make him regret his existence as a whole, and he's left gaping for a moment.

He had expected - well, dogs, obviously, but also cages and a general mood of sadness, with all these abandoned dog confined in a small space. Instead, he's stepping into a lush, sunny garden and he has to blink a few times for his eyes to adjust to the blinding light, and by the time he can actually see, he's been surrounded by puppies.

Ben has never considered himself a dog person. He loved Chewie, and Chewie loved him, licking his face and rubbing his giant head against his legs every time he wanted to be petted, but that was it. He has never been a dog person, but it's hard not to become one when you are literally surrounded by a sea of excited puppies, with wagging tails and warm, pleading eyes. There's a lot of barking going on, and he feels something rasp against his jeans, as he tries to get his bearings.

"Wow," he says, stupidly. "That's, like, a lot of dogs".

He can hear the by now familiar giggle, somewhere behind him. "Yes," she replies, the laughter so easy to hear into her words. "That's the point of a shelter," she adds, but she's not mocking him. It's more like gentle teasing, and he's surprised to realize he likes it.

He tentatively tries to pet the dog in front of him - an excited, tail-wagging beagle that's looking at him with his big, sad eyes - and something in him goes soft when he notices the way the puppy leans into his touch, nuzzling his little head against his palm. Oh. That's - that's nice.

Maybe Poe was right. Damn him.

"It's nice that they're in the open," he murmurs, turning to face the girl. She's standing a few feet behind him, her arms crossed over her chest, and there's such a radiant smile on her face that he forgets to talk for a whole minute, before he realizes he's staring at her. He blushes. "I mean, I expected cages and all".

Her smile widens. It shouldn't be possible, but instead, it is, and he watches her in fascination as she takes a few step into his direction, coming to pet the dogs circling him. "Easy, now," she whispers, gently. He knows she's talking to the puppies but the sweetness of her voice kind of makes him wish she was talking to him. He blushes again, as she raises her eyes to look at him. "Sorry, they're always like this when someone visits. We have cages, of course, but, well, they're dogs. They should be able to be active and play".

He nods, as he looks around. The garden is not that big, but it's green and sunny, and it kind of reminds him of his childhood, and it makes him want to lie on the grass for a while, just basking in the sun. Now that the dogs have finally calmed down, he notices there are fewer puppies than he expected, but they all look - happy? He expected sad eyes and mournful glances, but instead, they all look healthy and contented.

Now he realizes why Poe has recommended this shelter to him.

Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a warm spot of color at the edge of his vision. He turns a little bit, and he realizes it's a dog, a small, ginger poodle staring at him with wary eyes, as if mentally deciding if being petted was worth the risk of befriending a human.

"That's Buttercup," the girl tells him, as she notices his gaze. He turns into her direction again and she's crouching on the ground, the sun shining kindly on her hair giving them a faint halo. "Come here, sweetheart," she whispers, extending her hand. The poodle stare at her, and then slowly, very slowly starts to walk in her direction, doing its best to avoid him altogether.

The girl smiles, sweetly, as the dog rubs its head against her open palm. "Sorry, she's a bit wary of strangers at first," she says, raising her eyes to stare at him, the smile turning almost apologetic. "Good, Buttercup, you're such a good girl," she coos, as she starts to scratch the dog behind her ears.

Ben, of course, being Ben, snorts. "Who the hell gave her that name?"

The girl doesn't blush or averts her eyes. Instead, she stares right at him and squares her shoulders, trying to look as intimidating as she can while crouching on the grass and petting a small poodle. "I did," she replies.

_That's definitely why you should never leave the house, Ben._

He blushes, his face burning under her gaze, but before he can say anything, she continues. "Look, we didn't know her real name when we found her and I had just rewatched The Princess Bride, so," she says, shrugging. He swears he can see a faint pink on her cheeks, but it could also be his mind playing a trick on him. "Buttercup".

He presses his lips together as he clears his throat. "It's ..." he tries to say, staring at the way she pets the poodle. The dog looks at him with the same suspicious look from before, as if she could see in his very soul and was not very impressed. "It's a nice name".

The girl laughs again, and he doesn't notice how tense he is until he hears the familiar sound of her giggle, his stomach twisting. "Shut up," she says, shaking her head. Her hair falls around her face in waves, and he's fascinated by it. He knows he should stop staring, but he doesn't know how to. "As far as we know, she was abandoned on the side of road by her previous owners. She didn't try to run after them or come back home, she just sat there for a few days. Waiting".

The girl stays in silence for a minute, and he sees her gulp, as she pets Buttecup. "Maybe she hoped they would come back for her".

He knows how that feels, he thinks bitterly. He remembers all the nights he has awake in his bed or sitting right in front of the window of his room, hoping his parents would come back to him sooner, just this once, just to let him know that they did care a little bit about him.

_Don't project your issues on a fucking dog, Ben, that was not the point of this._

He lets out a deep breath, as he watches the girl pet the small poodle, that's looking at her with such an adoration in her warm eyes it's almost too much. "Can I ..." he tries to say, as he rubs the back of his neck with his hand, as usual when he's embarrassed. "Can I pet her?"

She eyes him, and flashes him a smile. "Sure, come here, let her sniff you first," she says, gently, as she nods in Buttercup's direction. She must notice him hesitating, because she lets a small laugh. "She doesn't bite, don't worry. She's just a little bit scared of strangers but she's a sweetheart".

He finally crouches next to the girl, and extends his hands, letting Buttercup sniff him. The poodle stares at him, as if daring him to attempt anything, her eyes both warm and wary as her snout brushes against his fingers and sniffs him. Then, she must reach some sort of conclusion, because she nuzzles against his palm and licks his hand.

Ben is left gaping. When the girl reaches for his wrist and moves his hand so he can scratch Buttercup behind her ears, he jolts, a shiver running down his spine as her fingers brush against his bare skin.

When he meets her eyes, she's still smiling, but there's something tender in the way she looks at him. "She likes you," she tells him, and bumps their shoulders together.

Buttecup looks up to him, and nuzzles against his palm again, as he scratches her head. "She's such a good girl," he finds himself saying, and it's true. The small poodle rest her little head on his knee, as she basks into his affection, and he's surprised to realize how nice it is, how her warmth bleeds through his bones, reaching a part of him that was deeply frozen. "I want to adopt her".

The girl stares at him, and when he turns to stare back at her, her eyes are big and full of surprise. "Really?"

He realizes he's surprised too. "Yeah," he says, bringing his eyes again on the poodle looking up at him with big, warm eyes. "Really".

*

"You know what," Poe starts, petting Buttercup who has fallen in love with him barely ten seconds after meeting him and is now all curled up in his lap, contented. "There must be some sort of irony to the fact that you are a six-foot-three broad, muscled _giant_ and you got a tiny ass poodle named Buttercup".

Ben blushes, as he watches his dog bask into the affection. "Shut up," he murmurs. "It's a nice name".

*

Having a dog is weird.

First of all, it takes him a few weeks to get used to another living thing around him. Having been on his own for more than ten years, it's new and surprising to realize he's not alone anymore, but he has to share his living space with another creature - a creature that barks and whimpers and nuzzles her head against his legs when she craves his attention, rasping against his sweatpants if he doesn't immediately drop everything to pet her.

It should bother him - after all, he _is_ trying to write a book, despite what Poe says about it -, but, instead, he finds the countless interruptions almost pleasant. Somehow, Buttercup seems to be picking up his mood, because when his thoughts get too dark and gloomy and he grows frustrated because he can't work out a scene the way he wants to, she comes to sit beside his desk, looking up at him with her warm eyes full of affection, and he can't help but sigh and get down to pet her.

He's surprised to realize that, after this, writing comes easier.

And, of course, there's the whole sleeping thing.

Ben has always been on his own - except for the few times Poe has drunk-crashed in his bed during college because he was too wasted to remember how to get to his room, he has never slept with someone beside him, so it's with a sense of curiosity that he regards the warm weight of Buttercup against his back, as he tosses and turns beneath the sheets. He has never slept well - always plagued by nightmares that have only grown worse in the last year -, and he's stunned by how soundly the small poodle can sleep, nestling her small body right against his. It must be uncomfortable for her, because he moves all the time during the night, but she settles right beside him and doesn't ever leave her spot.

The first night is weird. The second, is just new. By the third, Ben is almost soothed by the warmth Buttercup radiates. In the span of a few weeks, he finds himself sleeping better than ever. The nightmares don't leave him, of course, but when he wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her snout pressed against his cheek, her head nuzzling against him as if to comfort him, it's easier to fall back asleep.

And, despite how much it pains him to say it, Poe was right - having a dog to walk gives his life structure, and seeing the light of the day more often than one time at week is ... well, surely nice. He's surprised to realize how much he likes to walk around his neighborhood, Buttercup happily strolling by his side and wagging her tail with wonder everytime she sees something she likes. She picks up fallen leaves, and he has to wrestle them out of her mouth.

She's the most affectionate little puppy he has ever seen, and Ben realizes he loves her and he'd lay his life down to make her happy pretty much after two weeks, as they walk around the block and she leaps to bark at some birds.

Buttercup turns to look at him, and he knows the little devil _knows_.

*

His therapist looks at him with a small smile, her arms resting on her desk, her fingers intertwined as her eyes are fixed on him. "So, how are you holding up?" she asks him, as she does every week.

And Ben, for the first time in the last six months, raises his eyes from his hands, and manages a small, barely-there smile. "Not bad".

*

It's early in the morning and he's walking Buttercup around the neighborhood as he usually does when it happens.

One moment, he's just slowly strolling toward his building, Buttercup by his side as she plays with ever-more-frequent fallen leaves, and the next he loses hold of her leash as she leaps toward someone walking in the opposite direction.

It happens so fast he doesn't ever realizes, and by the time his mind catches with the reality of it, Buttercup has already fled, and she's excitedly circling a girl, barking and wagging her tail as if she had seen something extraordinary.

"Buttercup!" he exclaims, running after her. He's tall and he has really long legs, so it only takes him few steps to reach his dog and the poor girl who Buttercup has decided to shower in affection. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, I don't know what it took over her ..."

All the words die on his lips as he meets her gaze. The girl in front of him is the same girl from the dog shelter, and she's staring at him with her big, warm hazel eyes, an excited smile on her lips as she does. The pattern of freckles on her face still reminds him of a constellation in the night sky, and when he opens his mouth to speak again, he finds himself at loss for words.

"Hey," she says, instead. She never loses her smile, and she bends down to pet an excited Buttercup, who's still wagging her tail at the sight of her old friend. Now Ben gets why she has run so fast. A part of him tells him that he'd run too, if it meant finding this girl at the end of the road. "Hi, Buttercup, sweetie! How are you? Is she doing okay?" she adds, raising her eyes on him.

Ben nods, still too surprised for words. "Yeah," he says, in the end, pressing his lips together. He can feel his face burn, and he's probably as red as the autumn leaves right now, but he pretends not to care about it. "I'm sorry, I promise I don't usually lose her. She was probably too happy to see you to care about anything else".

The girl laughs. He's surprised to realize he still remembers the sound of her laughter, and how it makes his lips curve upwards almost unconsciously. There's a faint trace of red on her cheeks, and he finds himself liking it all too much. "I'm happy to see her too," she says, bringing her eyes on the poodle again. Her hand flies to her little head, and she pets Buttercup as if she had wanted to do nothing else this morning. "I missed her".

He presses his lips together, unsure of what to say. It kind of saddens him to think he has brought Buttercup away from this girl, and he feels guilty. His gaze skims over her, as he awkwardly shifts on his feet, and it's in this moment that he notices the big stain of coffee on her shirt, and the cup she's holding in the hand that's not currently petting his dog.

"You have coffee on your shirt," he states, stupidly. The girl in front of him raises her eyes and stares at him as if he had suddenly gone mad, but then looks down on her shirt and a horrified expression makes its way onto her features.

"Shit," she says, grabbing the hem of her shirt and pulling it further down, as if to assess the damage. The shirt is white, so the coffee stain is pretty visible, right against her chest. He tries his best not to stare at her. "Shit, I have to go to work. I'll miss the bus if I come back home".

He should not say it. He should shut up, grab his excited little dog and let her go to work. Instead, because he's Ben, he says it. "I live here, just around the block," he informs her, gesturing vaguely as if to point out the direction to her. She looks up to him again, confused. "I mean, you can ... I don't know. Try to fix it. Or borrow something of mine. I swear I'm not a serial killer. I just feel sorry, it's my fault you got coffee on your shirt after all".

_Jesus, just stop talking._

She stares at him, and he can't read her face at all. It doesn't surprise him - he's always been as emotionally-savvy as a rock, which is really inconvenient if you're a writer, but somehow written things have always been easier to read than human emotions, to him.

He blushes under her gaze, and he really hopes the early September breeze has not swept his hair too much, making the tips of his ears peek between the strands. There's a reason for keeping his hair this long.

"Okay," she says, in the end. Her lips curve into a smile, and she throws the now empty cup of coffee in the trash bin, before stepping beside him. "Thank you," she adds.

Ben is so dumbfounded he almost forgets to speak for a whole minute. "It's the least I can do," he says, in the end, as he grabs Buttercup's leash and starts walking towards his apartment. "I mean, it's kind of my fault".

She laughs, so quietly and gently. Buttercup strolls happily besides him, her little head turning from him to the girl beside him, as if she couldn't quite believe her luck this morning. _Little devil_ , he thinks.

"By the way," he adds, as they reach his building. He opens the door and keeps it open for her. There's no elevator - it's an ancient building in the middle of Coruscant, he didn't expect it to be, so they start climbing the stairs. He's lucky he lives at the fourth floor, because he has the distinct idea that Buttercup would flop on the ground and refuse to climb more than a few flight of stairs. "I haven't really introduced myself. I'm-"

"Ben, I know," she says, flashing him a smile. He's left gaping, his brows furrowing. "Sorry, I read it on the papers when you adopted Buttercup. I'm Rey".

He opens the door of his apartment with an astonished look, because it's kind of becoming a habit. "Oh," he says, as they step inside. "Nice to meet you. I'm, like, sorry it had to involve spilled coffee".

Rey laughs, shaking her head as they step inside, and Ben closes the door behind them. "Nice to meet you too," she says. She seems really happy to see him. Or Buttercup. Maybe Buttercup. After all, she had seemed pretty close to the dog.

He unleashes Buttercup, who goes to drink out of her water bowl, and then he presses his lips together, staring awkwardly at Rey. It's weird to see someone else in his living room, especially since he doesn't remember the last time a girl had been there.

Never, probably.

His eyes take her in almost eagerly, as if a deep hunger had momentarily possessed him. "Uh, the ... the bathroom is this way," he says, remembering why she's here in the first place. He shows her the way, and she trails beside him, her eyes taking in his apartment with attention, the corner of her lips barely curving upwards. "I don't think you can salvage the shirt, though. I can lend you something of mine, if you want to".

Rey shrugs, seeming unbothered by the whole thing. "Okay, thank you," she says, as she follows him into his room. Ben has to repeatedly tell himself to keep it together, because otherwise he'd be blushing and stuttering on his words until the end of time. He knows the tips of his ears are still red, and he hopes Rey hasn't noticed yet.

He busies himself browsing into his drawers, trying to find something that would suit Rey, but, after a bit of rummaging, he has to settle for one of his many plaid shirts that will definitely be to big on her wiry frame. "Here," he says, handing her the shirt. He grimaces, pressing his lips together in a pout. "Sorry, I have nothing that will actually fit you".

Her hand brushes against his, as she takes the piece of clothing. Her fingers are warm and delicate, and a shiver runs down his spine. "Don't worry," she replies, her smile as bright as ever. "Thank you for this. You're really saving my life here".

He chuckles. "Anytime".

Rey disappears into the bathroom, and Ben is left in his living room, staring at Buttercup, who has decided to sit upon his couch with the expression of a dog who has just had the beast treat of her life. "You _monster_ ," he tells her, but he can't help the fondness in his voice as he leans to pet her. Buttercup seems all too happy to bask into his affection.

After, he walks into the kitchen, and, without much thought, he starts the coffee brewer, the familiar scent of caffeine filling the air after a few seconds. He ponders about it for a minute, then decides to pull out both cream and sugar because he doesn't know how Rey likes her coffee. It feels weird, to make coffee for someone else, but it's not unpleasant, and he finds himself humming, as the first rays of morning sun shine through the windows of his kitchen. He's starting to pour the coffee in a mug, when he hears her footsteps.

"You were right, it doesn't fit me," Rey says, a hint of humor in her voice. "Be honest, do I look ridiculous?"  

Ben turns around, the pot of coffee in one hand, the mug in the other, and he knows he's blushing, but he can't help himself. The shirt looks definitely big on her, falling past her thighs, but she looks - _good_ , wrapped in his shirt. A part of him tells him he'd like to see her wearing his shirt and nothing else. He tries to shut the part of him up.

"No," he's quick to say, blushing even harder. "I mean, you never know, maybe oversized men plaid shirt will be the next trend in the fashion industry".

Rey laughs, throwing her head back for a moment. Her laughter fills his kitchen, and makes it look even brighter. He notices Buttercup strolling right beside Rey, rubbing against her legs to catch her attention. That little _monster_.

He clears his throat. "I made coffee," he tells her, even if it seems pretty pointless, since she can clearly see it for herself. "I mean, I made you spill yours, so ..."

He finishes pouring the coffee in the mug, and then he hands it to her, trying for a smile. He doesn't know if he manages - he isn't exactly very used to smiling, especially since the last year happened - but the look she gives him, warm and affectionate, is enough to make him willing to try. She takes the cup of coffee and tastes it, then proceeds to scrunch up her nose and grimace.

"Needs cream," she says, as an explanation, and he's quick to point it out to her where the cream is. She fixes her coffee in silence, her eyes skimming over his kitchen.

It feels new - a sort of intimacy he has never shared with anyone, he realizes. Poe has been there a few times, especially in the last few months, but he has never stayed till morning, and Ben has never made coffee for anyone.

It's nice, he thinks.

_Don't get used to it._

"Your apartment is beautiful," she says, after a while, bringing her coffee to her lips. She takes another sip, and this time her face melts into a contented expression, and Ben feels something warm spreading through his bones at the sight. "Really. It's amazing. What do you do to afford it?"

She stays in silence for a second, then winces. "Sorry, that was rude".

He chuckles, quietly. "No, it's okay. I write, by the way," he replies, shrugging a little bit, his hands finding their place in the pockets of his jeans. When Rey turns to face him, her eyes widening a little in wonder, his face goes red again. "Novels, mostly. I mean, I tried poetry when I was in high school, but it was atrocious".

A giggle escapes her lips. "Are you, like, famous or something?"

How do you answer to something like that? _Yeah, but nothing serious_?

Ben rubs his neck again, his eyes darting from Rey, perched up against his kitchen counter, to Buttercup, who's currently happily sitting beside the girl, as if to guard her. The _traitor_. "Uh, not really," he replies, in the end. Then, because he dies to change the subject, he continues. "Buttercup seems really happy to see you".

Rey stares at him, then she lowers her gaze to find the poodle there, her little head resting against her leg. "I've missed her," she says, in the end. Her voice is fainter than usual, as if she was afraid of admitting it. "I mean, I'm happy she got adopted and she seems really happy and cared for, with you. I just ..."

She shrugs a little bit, and for a moment, she looks younger than she probably is, all wrapped up in a shirt too big for her frame, her expression something almost vulnerable, without the usual smile.

"When I started working for the shelter, I knew I couldn't get attached to the dogs we rescued. They were going to get adopted anyway, so it was only a matter of time before I had to say goodbye," she says, in the end, turning to face him with a small smile on her face. "But Buttercup has always been special".

He smiles too, unable to help himself. "Yeah, she has a way of making you love her," he comments, eyeing the poodle, currently curled up against Rey. The next words come out of his mouth without him trying to stop them. "Listen, I know it may sound weird, but ... if you want to, you can visit her sometimes".

Her gaze shoots up, and she looks at him with a surprised expression, her eyes wide and her lips parted. Before she can say anything, he continues. "You don't have to come here, I mean. We can meet somewhere, like, in a park. And you can play with her all you like, if you want to," he says, words spilling from his lips almost as in a dream. "I suppose it's only fair. You love her, and she obviously loves you too, otherwise she wouldn't have leapt, earlier, so ..."

It's mental. It's the worst idea he's ever had. Rey will probably think he is a serial killer, and she will punch him in the face and then run away from him with Buttercup under her arm. He doesn't know why he has blurted out all of that, but something in chest had gone tight watching her stare at Buttercup with such a longing on her features, and he's an idiot, so he's not actually surprised he has come up with the worst idea ever.

Instead of punching him, Rey smiles. "You're serious?"

Ben rubs his neck as usual, pressing his lips together, not even daring to hope. "Yes," he replies, trying to smile too.

Rey squeals - there's no other way to put it, she fucking _squeals_. "That- that would be amazing!" she exclaims, happily, as if he had just handed her the solution for all the world's problems. She looks - so radiant, and vibrant and full of happiness, like this. He tries his best not to like it so much. "I must hurry to work right now, but, here ..."

She grabs the pen and the post-it he has on his kitchen counter - he has bought them in a futile attempt at being organized, when he thought he could do normal things like a _grocery list_ -, and scribbles down something, quickly. "Here's my number. Call me, when you want to," she adds, with a smirk.

Ben tells himself it doesn't mean anything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go again! all the love for Buttercup this week has warmed my heart, thank you so much for all your kind words and kudos and bookmarks and basically everything, I am, like, the happiest person on Earth, thank you so much ♥

Despite it all, Rey manages to arrive almost on time to work.

When she reaches the desk she shares with Finn, she finds him and Poe looking at each other with what she can only describe as heart eyes, and she can't help the small smile that comes up almost automatically to her lips, despite all the years they've been together now and despite the fact that they always stare at each other like that. _It's getting old now_ , Rose teases them, but to Rey they're still as cute as the first day.

Plus, she loves to see Finn so happy.

"Morning," she says, happily, placing her bag on the desk and waving in their direction. They still look at each other like two people ridiculously in love and barely acknowledge her. She sighs, shaking her head. "Hi, Poe. Are you here to pet all our dogs again?"

The man chuckles, shaking his head. "No, I just dropped Finn to work. If I come home smelling like another dog again, I think BB8 will finally kill me," he says, pressing a kiss to Finn's cheek, and then slowly turning into her direction. Then, as he takes her in, he furrows his brow. "You know, that shirt looks awfully familiar".

She looks at him, confused, and then, as she lowers her gaze, meeting not her usual t-shirt, but red plaid, she remembers it all. "Oh," she says. She feels her cheeks redden, but she pays no mind to that, and shrugs. "You know, oversized plaid shirt are the next trend in the fashion industry".

She doesn't mention the encounter of this morning - mainly because she wouldn't know how to explain it to Poe and Finn, as surreal as it had been, but also because she feels like it's something she wants to treasure, something that belongs to her, and that she doesn't want to share with anyone. She thinks about Ben's hesitant smile, and the way the tips of his ears had reddened, and the affectionate look on his face everytime his gaze had fallen on Buttercup.

That's something precious, she thinks. Something she wants to keep close to her heart.

"Sure they are," Poe comments, laughing, still staring at her - or, Ben's - shirt with a sort of disbelief on his face, as if he was trying to unfold the mystery of it. Rey feels strangely exposed, as if he could read all that has happened right on her face, then she tells herself he can't, and she has nothing to hide anyway. "You know, you'd really get along with that friend of mine ..."

She scoffs. "The one you and Finn are trying to set me up with? No, thanks," she says, moving the few things around her desk to sit, and then giving Poe and Finn a stern look. "I can perfectly find a date on my own, if I want to".

Finn chuckles. "We know, we know," he concedes, flashing her a smile, and despite it all, she can't stay mad at him, if he smiles at her like that, and he fucking knows it. _Traitor_.

Poe says goodbye after a few minutes, waving into her direction and pressing another kiss to Finn's cheeks, unbothered by her laughter. "That shirt still looks too familiar," he says as a sort of goodbye as he walks away, and Rey groans.

She's halfway through her day, when her phone beeps. She's in the middle of feeding a horde of hungry dogs, so she ignores it for the moment and continues on her task, petting the dogs after completing it. She loves her job, she loves being able to spend so much time with affectionate puppies, even if a part of her always _dies_ when she sees them walking away with their new owners. Her thoughts linger on Buttercup, but she tries not to think about her too much, because she knows that if she lets herself think about her, she'll start to miss her, and she also knows she can't bear it.

With a sigh, she washes her hands, and grabs the phone from the pocket of her jeans, furrowing her brow when she notices the texts from an unknown number.

**unknown number (1.30 PM):** _Hey, I'm still sorry for this morning. I hope you'll be able to salvage the shirt._

**unknown number (1.35 PM):** _Oh, by the way, this is Ben._

She can't help but laugh out loud, and shake her head, as she remembers the mortified expression on Ben's face as he walked her to his apartment, profusely apologizing for Buttercup's behavior. It still surprises her that a man so tall and broad and intense has decided to adopt a small poodle, but he seems ... well, soft. She has no other word for it.

She quickly memorizes his number, and proceeds to type an answer.

**rey (1.45 PM):** _don't worry, it's okay :D i'm always happy to see Buttercup, it was worth it_

**ben (1.46 PM):** _Still. I'd like to pay for the laundry bill, if it's okay with you. And, maybe I can buy you an actual coffee next time. There's a coffee shop near my place that's really good, if you want to try out._

**ben (1.48 PM):** _I'm sorry, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to apologize._

Rey stares at the screen for a few minutes, surprised. She thinks of Ben, of his shy, boyish smile and the way he'd rub his neck everytime he looked embarrassed, and then stares down at his words again.

 **rey (1.53 PM):** _ur a lot more forward and smooth via text, u know_

 **ben (1.53 PM):** _Is it a bad thing?_

 **ben (1.54 PM):** _I've always felt more comfortable around written words. That's why I write books, I suppose. It feels easier. Sorry if I made uncomfortable, I just wanted to make amends. If that's okay with you._

"Hey, lunch break is almost over," Finn announces, walking up to her, and then he frowns, staring at her and at her phone with a confused expression. "Are you ... _blushing_?"

Rey locks her phone and raises her eyes to stare at him, trying her best not to look bothered. "Nonsense," she says, flatly. "I'll be with you in a second".

Finn gives her one last, lingering look before walking away, and she finds herself wondering, for the second time today, why she's hiding this from her friends. It's not like they would judge her for being a little bit whipped about a giant, beautiful, muscular man who apparently can be very soft and sweet with dogs and is very willing to take her out for coffee.

She schools herself. She's not whipped. She's not. This is just because he wants to apologize to her, and she wants to spend time with his dog. There's nothing more.

 **rey (1.57 PM):** _no, no, its alright. i will gladly accept ur offer, though, coffee sounds good. and i'll have to give ur shirt back sooner or later, so. u free on sunday?_

 **ben (1.57 PM):** _Oh, and here I was thinking you had just stolen my favorite shirt._

**ben (1.58 PM):** _By the way, I'm free everyday. It's not like I have an office job. I am my own employer, which is inconvenient, since I suck at responsibilities._

She can't help the little laughter that bubbles in her chest.

 **rey (1.58 PM):** _good. bring buttercup :D_

His reply comes a little bit later, and she's so immersed in her work she doesn't notice until her day is over.

 **ben (2.10 PM):** _I will_.

*

Sunday comes both too soon and too slowly at the same time, and Rey finds herself pathetically staring at her closet, as if, in a Beauty and the Beast sort of twist, it could somehow come alive and help her to choose an outfit for the day.

It's ridiculous, she tells herself. It's just coffee.

With an attractive man who has captivating dark eyes and really soft-looking hair, and a smile that makes her insides twist in a funny way, and that can be very gentle and tender with a dog.

"Is this a date?" Rose asks, her head peeking into Rey's room, watching her as she sits cross legged in front of her closet.

Rey groans. "No, it's not a date," she tells her roommate, wincing. It's not a date. It's just coffee, it's just because she misses Buttercup, she tells herself. It's just that.

Rose gives her a skeptical look. "Because you look really nervous, and you never do".

There's a moment of silence, in which Rey contemplates her life choices. "It's not a date," she repeats, in the end. She tries to convince herself too.

*

Ben has texted her the address of the coffee shop at some point during the week, so she reaches it without getting lost. As he had mentioned, it's pretty close from where he lives - a nice neighborhood, made of historical building whose façade is covered by vines and that remind her of old movies.

The coffee shop - _Takodana Café_ , the sign says - is small, but warm and cozy, wooden pavements and wooden tables, a symphony of brown shades. She notices Ben right away, his tall frame giving him away even if he's currently sitting down to a small table in the corner and he's trying to shrink in his shoulders. Buttercup is sitting right beside him, her head resting against his leg, as if she wanted to soothe him. Something in Rey goes irremediably soft at the sight of this big, tall, broad man hiding in a corner and nervously petting his dog, and she can't help but smile as she reaches his table.

It's Buttercup who notices her first. She starts to wag her tail and rasp at the floor with her little paws, looking as excited as ever to see her, and all the tension she has felt up until this moment melts away as she watches the small dog look at her with adoring eyes. She _has_ missed her, despite how much she has tried to deny it, and it's nice to see her again.

Ben must notice the way Buttercup is moving, excitedly, because he looks down at her and then follows her gaze, and when he finally sees Rey, standing in front of his table, a faint red creeps on his cheeks, and the crooked, boyish smile she has seen a few times before comes back on his lips. It makes Rey's stomach twist in a funny way.

"Hey," he says, his voice deep and gentle. His eyes skim over her, as if to take her in, and Rey blushes too, unable to help herself as she sits down in front of him, Buttercup rubbing her head against her legs as a sort of welcome. "Uh, you look... uh, I mean- nice ... shirt".

He brings a hand to his neck and a wrinkle appears in the middle of his forehead as he visibly winces at his words, and Rey laughs, a giggle escaping her lips almost of its own accord as she looks at him. "Thank you," she replies, fighting the urge to blush even harder. "Let's try not to spill coffee on it".

Ben lets out a little laugh, and she's transfixed again by him, by the clash of sharp features and prominent nose and crooked teeth, moles scattered all around his face. All of that shouldn't work out, but instead, it makes him strangely beautiful, the sort of man who'd look at ease in the middle of an ancient forest, wild mirth in his eyes. There's a light stubble on his cheeks, and she wonders what that would feel like against her skin, lightly scratching her as he'd kiss his way down her chest with his beautiful, plump lips.

She tries not to think too hard about it.

"What can I get you? I'll go order for the both of us," he says, bringing her back to reality again. "So you can have Buttercup all for yourself," he adds, with a smirk that would look good in her fantasies.

 _He's a stranger, for God's sake, stop thinking about this_.

She hopes she has not turned as red as she feels, and, after she has given him her order and has watched him go, she turns to face Buttercup, who's now sitting against her legs, nuzzling her head against her knee as if to catch her attention. Rey smiles, reaching down to pet her.

"Hey, sweetie," she coos, unable to help herself as she scratches the poodle right beneath her ears, as she usually did when Buttercup lived at the shelter. The dog seems happy, and a new kind of warmth spreads through Rey's bones as she looks at her, her heart going even softer at the sight. She has tried really hard not to get attached to this tiny poodle, knowing she was going to get adopted, eventually, but - there's no way you cannot love Buttercup, she thinks.

She's still petting her, happily, enjoying the feeling of her light weight against her, when Ben returns with their coffees. "Here," he says, placing the cup in front of her and sitting down again. He leans down to grab Buttercup's leash and sighs, petting her small head with both exasperation and fondness, a strange mix that has Rey enthralled. "Buttercup, _no_. Sit down, let Rey drink her coffee".

Rey lets out a little giggle. "It's okay, don't worry," she says, as she brings the cup of coffee to her lips. Buttercup sits quietly against her legs, happy to be in her presence, and Rey has never felt more at home in her life, which is absurd, since she's in a place she doesn't really know, with a men she has barely spoken to before today. She tries to shake that feeling off. "I'm here for her, after all," she adds, trying to fight back that new, surprising warmth settling in her bones as Ben stares at her.

It means nothing, she tells herself.

His smile falters for a moment, and he presses his lips together. "Right," he says, quietly, as he takes a sip of his coffee. His gaze lingers on her for a few seconds, and Rey can feel her heart in her throat.

She tries to swallow it down with a sip of coffee. "So, how's Buttercup behaving? Is everything okay?"

Ben seems relieved to have something to talk about, because he's quick to nod, his lips barely curving upwards. "Oh, yes, she's a sweetheart," he says, and there's a surprising tenderness in his voice, his eyes going terribly soft as he looks at the small poodle nestled against her legs, under the table. Rey's heart clenches. "At first it was weird, you know. The transition from being alone all the time to have a dog. But it's ... it's very nice. I mostly sit in front of the computer all day, but I don't feel so alone when she's around".

There's a brief silence, and Rey stares at him, biting down her lips. He looks away from her, fidgeting with his hands and letting out a deep breath. "Sorry, that was awkward".

She has to physically stop herself from reaching out and take his hand in hers. "No, I mean, it must be pretty lonely, writing all day," she comments, shrugging and taking another sip of her coffee. She has to tell him he was right - the coffee here is really good. She files it for later. "I can't imagine it".

He shrugs too, his fingers nervously drumming against the mug. "Yeah, well," he says, pressing his lips together. Rey notices he does it often, and she wonders for a moment where it comes from. "I'm lucky enough to do something I love as a job, I shouldn't complain".

A little laugh escapes her lips. "Well, I love my job too, but it doesn't mean I won't whine about it," she tells him, smirking, and the blush that comes up on his cheeks is a beautiful reward. "What are you working on? If you want to tell me, of course. Feel free to ignore me".

Ben runs a hand through his hair, pushing back the black strands, and Rey wonders how nice would it feel, to card her fingers through it, and if it's as soft as it looks. _Don't be stupid about it._ "Well," he starts, hesitantly. He's still blushing, and Rey is starting to realize that he does that often, and she already likes it. "It's just a sci-fi book. Nothing exceptional. Not high literature," he replies, dismissively, with a vague gesture of his hand.

Her eyes lit up, and she smiles as brightly as a kid on Christmas day. "Wait, something like the _Star Wars_ series, by Kylo Ren?" she asks, excitedly. She never had the chance to have books around when she was a kid, moving from foster home to foster home, but she does remember, as vividly as ever, the day she first picked up the first book in the series in the town's small library just because she was bored and she had no friends, and had started to read it on her way home, falling in love with it after the first few pages.

Ben blushes, the tips of his ears reddening and peaking through his hair. It makes her heart twist in her ribcage, even if she doesn't know yet if it's pleasant or not. "Yeah, something like that," he says, awkwardly, rubbing his neck, before burying his face in his coffee. He doesn't mention anything else about his book, but he asks her questions about her work and her life, and Rey is happy to answer them, his eyes fixed on her as if she was the most interesting thing in the whole universe.

Nobody has ever listened her the way Ben does, intently and with bright eyes, as if he really wanted to know her, and Rey is surprised to realize she wants to share parts of herself that she has somehow kept hidden away even from her best friends. It's scary, but Ben flashes her that shy, boyish smile from the other side of the table, and she forgets about everything else.

Afterwards, Rey offers to walk him and Buttercup home, since she's going in the same direction, and Ben stutters for a bit, blushing so hard his face turns crimson, but then he nods, and they start walking together, their sides almost brushing but not quite. He's wearing a black, short-sleeved tee-shirt that leaves his arms bare, so when she bumps into him, her skin touches his, and tingles.

It doesn't mean anything.

They walk in silence, but it's almost comfortable. He's a stranger, Rey repeatedly tells herself, but he doesn't feel like one - he's easy to talk to, and as easy to like, especially when he tries to wrestle a fallen leaf out of Buttercup's mouth, cursing and bending over the small poodle who looks all too happy of this turn of events. "You little chewing _monster_ ," he says, affectionately, as he rises to his feet again, and she can't help but laugh at the sight of this grown man looking at his tiny dog with stars in his eyes.

Eventually, she says it. "You know, I must admit it, I was sad when Buttercup got adopted. I even hated you a little bit".

He laughs, throwing his head back like a kid, his hair brushing his shoulders as he does. It's really an entrancing sigh - he seems so controlled all the time, and she likes the way he doesn't care about it anymore, as his shoulders shake from the effort of containing his laughter. "Thank you, it warms my heart".

"Shut up," she replies, blushing a little bit. Buttercup is walking happily in front of her, wagging her tail at everything, and it feels all so familiar, as if she had waited her whole life for this. _Don't get used to it_ , a part of her tells her, but she tries not to listen to it. "I didn't really _hate_ you. I was just sad. But now I'm glad she's with you, she seems happy. And loved. She deserves it".

He nods. "She does deserve it," he murmurs, quietly, looking at Buttercup. The corners of his lips tug upwards, and Rey smiles too - it's only been a few weeks since he has adopted Buttercup, but she notices he's less guarded, less terrified. Less ready to flight at the first chance. He looks awkward, sure, but also as if the sharp edges of his demeanor had softened somehow. He smiles, turning in her direction and bringing his eyes on her. They are dark, but there's a glimmer of light behind them, and Rey loses tracks of what they're talking about for a whole second.

They walk in silence for a few minutes, and Rey still feels his eyes on her, the way he lingers, as if she was something he wanted to drink in as long as he could. It makes her shiver, in a good way.

"I know it's stupid to project my issues on a dog," she ends up saying, after a while, shoving her hands in the pocket of her jeans, not daring to look at him. "But she kind of reminded me of myself. I got left behind too, I suppose, so it was easy to bond with her. I know it's stupid, but ..." she shrugs, shaking her head. "Anyway, I tried not to get attached, I really did, but she's so easy to love".

The touch of his hand is so delicate and faint she barely feels it. She only notices it because the skin of her arm tingles when his fingers brush against it, and her breath gets stuck in her throat when he does. It feels like electricity running down in her blood, not painful but almost pleasant.

"I meant what I said the other day," he tells her, quietly but with a sort of fierce determination, his voice deep and soothing at the same time. The pads of his fingers are still brushing against her arm, gently "You can always come and visit her. She obviously loves you. And I don't mind your company".

She raises her eyes to look at him, and flashes him a smirk. "That's exactly what every girl dreams to hear, _I don't mind your company_ ," she says, teasingly, and Ben blushes again, his pale complexion turning red under her gaze.

He tries to reply. "That's ... that's not what I meant," he says. His hand falls away, and he brings it into his hair, nervously running his fingers through the strands. "I mean, I enjoy your company. Very much. I didn't mean, I mean, -"

She pats his back, gently, as a laughter escapes her lips. "You really have a way with words," she tells him, as they reach his building. His face is crimson, by now, and the tips of his ears match it in color. She finds herself liking it all too much.

He rubs his neck. "It's easier, when I write," he says, as an explanation, and she doesn't doubt him for a minute. His texts had seemed smooth and sure, confident even, while he looks so insecure and fumbling now. But she likes it both - the way he talks via text, and the way he blushes and stutters his words in front of her. A strange duality she's captivated by.

She doesn't let him soak in his embarrass. "So," she starts, giving him a small, hesitant smile. "Does next Sunday work for you?"

He nods so eagerly she can't help but laugh, and feeling warm and fuzzy on her way home.

*

It happens again. And again. And _again_.

Somehow after the fourth time, it stops being about Buttercup and it becomes about Ben, and the way his face breaks in his crooked smile when she says something funny and his eyes glint when he looks at her, but she doesn't even admit herself that.

Rose, on the other hand, doesn't share her inclinations. "That was a date," she says, as a matter of fact, when Rey comes back, after the fifth Sunday in a row. She's smiling so much her face kind of hurts, but she doesn't mind it at all, and she shoulders past her roommate only to crash on their couch with a sigh.

"Don't be silly, Rose," she says, toeing off her shoes and proceeding to cross her legs, as Rose stares at her with raised eyebrows. "I'm only doing this for Buttercup. It's not a _date_ ".

Rose, being Rose, just stares at her, flatly. Despite her height and her small frame, she exudes an aura of assertiveness, and it's very hard not to be at least a little bit intimidated by her. "You've been doing this for a _month_. I don't care how much you love that dog, you wouldn't put up with someone just because of her. You _like_ going out with him".

Rey groans, throwing her head back. She tries really hard not to blush, but she's not sure she manages. "It's hardly _going out_ ," she corrects her. "We just grab a cup of coffee and take a walk. It's not that deep".

There's a smirk on Rose's face, as she sits beside her on the couch. "You didn't deny it, though," she says, triumphantly. "You do like going out with him".

Rey opens her mouth, then she closes it. Then, she opens it again. "Shut up".

*

On a Thursday, Ben text her a picture of Buttercup, snuggled right against his body, with her small head resting on his knee and the caption _I was supposed to work._

Rey tries her best to suffocate the giggle she feels on her lips, to avoid Finn's curious gaze. In the picture, she can see Ben's sweatpants, his long legs crossed on what she supposes it's his couch, and it's with a twist of her heart that she realizes she wants to see more of him.

She doesn't tell him as much.

 **rey (11.20 AM):** _u can't move. it's like, a rule. if a pet falls asleep on u, ur bound to stay completely still until she wakes up._

 **ben (11.20 AM):** _I'm not sure this excuse would work on my editor._

This time, she does giggle, and it manages to tear a surprised expression from Finn. She shakes her head, pressing her lips together as if to say she is sorry.

 **rey (11.23 AM):** _how's the book coming?_

 **ben (11.24 AM):** _Fine. It's coming out in a couple of weeks, so._

 **rey (11.27 AM):** _will u let me read it?_

It takes him a few minutes to reply. Rey watches the three dots flicker on the screen, appearing and disappearing at intervals. She frowns, curious, wondering why it's taking him so long to write down an answer.

 **ben (11.33 AM):** _We'll see._

*

She loses count at some point after the seventh Sunday in a row, and doesn't even try to justify herself with Rose anymore. She just acknowledges the fact that she isn't doing this for Buttercup at all, and she tries not to think about the way Ben's eyes light up when they linger on her, but she mostly fails. 

Which is why she ends up walking under the rain with him, his side pressed tightly against hers as they try to repair themselves under her tiny ass umbrella that definitely isn't suited for two, especially when one of the two is as tall and broad as Ben. She's acutely aware of the drops of water running down her back, and how his damp arm is pressed against hers, clothes soaked and clinging to their frames.

He's holding Buttercup - who is miraculously untouched by the rain even if both her and Ben are drenched in it - against his chest as best as he can, soothing her and cradling her, telling her it's going to be alright, when they reach his building. "Want to come upstairs to dry yourself off and borrow something of mine while you wait for the rain to stop?" he asks her, raising his dark eyes. His hair falls a bit on his forehead, drops of water running on his face.

Rey is too soaked to even put up a fight. "Yes, please".

They are both ridiculously wet by the time Ben opens the door of his apartment. As soon as they enter, Buttercup escapes his hold and starts to rub herself against the carpet of his living room, running away from Ben's damp clothes as he bends over her to reassure himself she's alright. She evidently doesn't like the cold, Rey thinks, and giggles at Ben's surprised expression.

She closes the door with a soft thud while he looks at the small poodle with an offended expression on his face. "I can't believe it," he says, shaking his head, while Buttercup shakes herself away from him. He raises to his feet again, staring down at his dog with a disproving expression. "I basically risk my life to keep her warm and I don't even get a thank you".

Rey lets out a small laugh, throwing her head back. "You are so _dramatic_ ," she says, flashing him a smile. Then, she tugs at his shirt, which is basically as damp as the rest of them. "Come on, we're dripping all over your carpet".

Ben guides her to the bathroom again, and Rey shimmies out of her wet clothes all too happily. She dries herself off, enjoying the feeling of warmth spreading through her bones as she wraps herself in the shirt Ben has lent her. She realizes with a smile it's the same one he gave her that first day more than a month ago. She likes it - it smells like him, and it makes her feel safe and protected, as stupid as it sounds.

She keeps her leggings, slightly drier than the rest of her, towels off her hair as best as she can, and then she marches out of the bathroom, only to find Ben waiting for her in the living room, sitting on his couch, with two mugs of tea placed on the coffee table and a very curious Buttercup staring at it under Ben's still half-offended gaze. He has changed himself too, the only sign he has been caught in a thunderstorm the fact that his hair is still slightly damp, curling against his face.

She really wants to run her hands through it.

He smiles when he notices her. "I made tea," he says, as he shuffles down the couch to make space for her. Rey sits down, staring at him as he leans to grab the two mugs and hands her one. "I know we just had coffee, but I thought you could use something warm".

She doesn't need to be told twice. Her hands curve around the mug almost out of their own accord, and when the heat of it seeps through her bones, she lets out a small sigh. Ben blushes slightly, and there's a part of her that wants to press a kiss right to the dimple on the right side of his face.

Instead, she clears her throat. "Thank you," she murmurs, taking a sip of the hot beverage. The warmth pools in her stomach, enveloping her, and she lets out another sigh, her eyes fluttering shut as she enjoys the feeling of being dry and warm after being in the rain for what it felt like a lifetime. "You're the best person I've ever met, seriously".

At this, Ben lets out a low chuckle, and she opens her eyes to stare at him. His cheeks are red again, and he averts his eyes, focusing on the mug he has in his hands. "You'd be the first person to see it that way," he murmurs, with a smile.

It's clear that, despite his teasing tone, it's something that haunts him, somehow. He seems tense, and he presses his lips together, leaning down to pet Buttercup beneath her ears, as if to do something with his hands and clearly forgetting he was pretending to be mad at her just a second ago, and Rey realizes that she doesn't know him at all, and she probably never will, not completely, but this doesn't stop her from _longing_ for him.

She thinks about him - all drenched up in the rain, rivulets of water falling from his hair as he stared down at the small poodle nestled in his arms, making sure she was safe and sound under the tiny umbrella, pressing a small kiss to the top of her head as if to soothe her, and maybe Rey doesn't know him, but there's something soft in this man, and she yearns to make him realize it.

"Well," she says, curling her body on his couch. Their sides barely brush, as usual, but there's something like electricity whenever her knee touches his leg. They both pretend not to notice it. "It's the truth".

He seems surprised, eyes wide and lips parted, and it's like he's seeing her for the first time, his gaze almost hungry as he stares at her, a longing so clear and pure, so easy to read on his face. For a moment, Rey thinks he will kiss her.

Instead, he lets out a sigh, takes a sip of his tea and rests against the cushions of his couch. "Do you want to watch a movie or something, until it stops raining?" he asks, hesitantly, as if he expected her to say no.

She nods, wrapping herself in his shirt and curling even more on the couch. "Sounds great".

That's how they end up on his couch, Buttercup nestled between the two of them, with her little head on Rey's knee, the lights off as the movie plays on his TV. She text Rose she will be late, and her heart hammers in her chest when she catches the way he looks at her, adoring eyes that almost remind her of Buttercup's. There's something building between the two of them, something that feels like intimacy - something she has never had in her life, and she steals glances at him when he's not looking, and a small smile makes its way into her face.

 **rose (6.41 PM):** _i just hope u know what ur doing_

Rey turns to stare at him, his profile, straight nose and sharp jaw, and lips made for kissing. The TV casts odd shadows on his face, and his hair, usually so kempt and tidy, is messy, loose curls framing his features, and she realizes she definitely knows.

*

It happens again. And again. And _again_.

At the beginning, the first Sunday after the rain incident, it was just Ben suggesting she could come upstairs to finish the movie they had started the week before, but by now, their usual coffee and a walk on Sunday has slowly turned into coffee and a walk and a movie at his place, and Rey has run out of excuse she can use with her friends, because no matter how hard she tries to convince herself, this has stopped being about Buttercup a long, long time ago.

Finn stares at her in disbelief when she mentions it.

"I can't believe this," he says, turning on his chair like a villain in a Bond movie to better look at her. "Rose is right, you know. Are you aware you are basically in a relationship with this guy?"

Rey scoffs, staring at her computer and trying really hard not to blush. "It's not a relationship," she corrects him, as her heart flutters crazily in her chest, clearly audible even for Finn. "We don't _date_ , we just see each other once a week".

Finn just stares at her. "That's a _relationship_ ," he tells her, eyebrows raising dangerously high on his forehead. "Does he know you're dating him?"

She turns on her chair, giving him an offended glance, even if she's not really offended at all. "I'm not dating him," she says, but she doesn't sound convincing even to her own ears.

*

**rey (9.48 PM):** _hey, i know it's a stupid question, but what do u do when ur, like, in a bad mood?_

**ben (9.50 PM):** _Scream at the walls, punch the walls, basically anything involving walls. I'm not exactly the poster child for healthy outlet, though._

**ben (9.51 PM):** _But now that I've got Buttercup, I usually pet her and it works. Why? Are you okay?_

**rey (9.52 PM):** _i'm kind of, idk, down._

He sends her a picture of Buttercup, sat on what she presumes it's his bed, her small head tilted to the side and her big warm eyes fixed on the camera. _She_ _says hi_ , the caption says.

He calls her soon after that, and they spend the evening on the phone, talking about everything and nothing. He tells her about his favorite movies, and she talks about a dog they have recently rescued at the shelter, and she doesn't mention anything, but when she goes to sleep, the weight on her chest - the one that sometimes makes itself known, when, despite everything, she feels alone and terrified as she used to feel back when she was a child - has lifted a little bit.

Ben whispers her goodnight in her ear, and Rey falls asleep to the sound of his voice, with a smile on her face.

*

"You have a lot of books," she states, one particular Sunday. He's browsing his Netflix, searching for something they can watch, and she's roaming around his apartment, taking in the wooden floors, the large windows and the way the light filters through it, illuminating the whole place.

And the huge, enormous, frankly obscene quantity of books.

He raises his eyes from his TV just to flash her a smile. "Yeah, well," he says, shrugging, the urge to shrink in his shoulders almost impossible to fight. Rey really wants to wrap her arms around him and press her head between his shoulder blades. "That's what you get from a childhood of loneliness and anxiety. Books".

He stays in silence for a moment, averting his eyes. "And a general ineptitude to interact with others, I guess," he adds, his voice a little bit lower, as always when he says something about himself that he's not sure how she will take.

She lets out a little laugh, her eyes skimming over the countless books resting on the shelves of his library. "But that's, like, a lot of books," she repeats, her fingers brushing against the spines. Some of them are worn out and full of wrinkles, sign that they probably belong to another time, to a small, young Ben with big ears and crooked teeth that she can imagine all too well.

She doesn't notice him moving - despite his tall frame, he's almost graceful, with his long legs of his, and she realizes he's beside her only when his arm brushes against hers, his hand inches away from hers. Her skin tingles, and she dies to intertwine their fingers, but she stays put.

"I always felt more comfortable around books," he tells her, his eyes dark and mesmerizing, as one corner of his lips curves upward, giving her a small, tentative smile. "I was ... a troubled child, we could say. Always angry, no idea of how to find a healthy outlet. I felt like I couldn't understand what I was feeling most of the time".

She has no trouble believing him - he looks like the kind of person who doesn't exactly fit in, no matter how hard he tries. Too tall, too intense, too much for every situation. She doesn't mention the fact that she likes him for it.

"The only times I felt understood, like ... like there was this big moment of clarity and my feelings weren't as scary as they usually were, was when I was reading," he confesses, his voice faint, suddenly shy. He looks away from her, staring at his library and letting out a deep, shuddering breath. "You know that bit from _Matilda_ , when it says that books gave her hope and made her realize she was not alone? I guess I kind of felt that way".

Rey stares at him, the way he nervously fidgets with his hands, and she knows there's no way to put this feeling into words, but something in her cracks, and all the emotion she has tried to bury deep within her come alive, buzzing just beneath her skin.

 _Fuck_ , she thinks, _I really like this man_.

He brings a hand to his neck, as he usually does when he's embarrassed. "That's why I write, I suppose. If my books can do something like that for a kid that feels like I felt back then, then it's worth it," he murmurs, so quietly, but with a sort of intensity, a rawness about him. Then, he lets out a little giggle, a sound so different from the rest of him, so pure and delicate. "Well, I write stupid sci-fi books, it's not that deep anyway".

Before she can stop herself, she reaches out for his hand, and laces their fingers together. Ben, being Ben, stares at her in disbelief for a second, then lowers his gaze to look at their joined hands, almost as if he wanted to make sure to not be imagining it. The sight makes her heart clench, as it beats furiously against her chest.

He doesn't pull away. Instead, he squeezes her hand, and his thumb comes to brush against her knuckles, tracing lazy patterns on her skin.

"No, it's ... it's important," she says, in the end. "When I was a kid, I couldn't keep many books around, as I was bounced from one foster home to another, so I never read much. When I was, I don't know, fourteen I think? Anyway, I discovered the first volume of the _Star Wars_ series in the library and I fell in love with it".

There's a sharp intake of breath, and Ben looks surprised, all parted lips and wide eyes, a shocked puppy with awe on his face, and she can't help but smile at the sight of him. His hand in hers is warm, and grounding.

"It gave me a way to escape for a while. No, better, it gave me hope for a while. It made me believe that if the characters I loved so much could survive through it all, so could I," she says. It feels so silly to say it out loud now, and she blushes a little bit, but she knows Ben will understand. "So yeah, what you're doing with whatever books you're writing ... it's good. Even if it's just sci-fi".

Ben stares at her in silence, and there's something in his eyes - the usual glimmer, but different, almost as if he was crying. She doesn't say anything about it, but her chest feels tight.

"God," he murmurs, quietly and reverently, staring at her. "I really like you".

*

"Do you want to join me and Poe at the pub tonight?" Finn asks her, as they are leaving work one Saturday night. The air is getting chilly, and Rey wraps her coat around her, hugging her middle in a futile attempt to keep herself warm.

"Why, so you and your boyfriend can try to set me up with his friend?" she asks, teasingly, even if she knows Poe and Finn have basically given up on that. They have insisted for a few weeks, but as Rey has started going out with Ben (because she _is_ going out with Ben, no matter how hard she tries to deny it), their attempt have basically quieted down, despite the amount of their inquiries rising up.  

Finn snorts. "No, Poe says he's busy this weekend," he replies, smirking, and Rey groans, throwing her head back. This elicits a fit of laughter from her friend, who looks like he's having the time of her life teasing her. "No, really. It's just the two of us and a bottle of beer. _Please_?"

He gives her a taste of his puppy eyes, which are very difficult to say no to. She wrinkles her nose, biting down on her lip. "Raincheck? I'm really tired, I just want to take a hot bath and lie face down on my bed until tomorrow".

Finn laughs again. "So you can look fresh and glowing for your date?"

She doesn't even bother to deny it anymore, and she has the decency to blush, thinking about Ben. "Shut up," she murmurs, and this makes Finn laugh even harder.

Later, after her bath, she grabs the phone from her bedside table and notices a text. Her heart does a weird twist in her chest as she opens it, and then it drops.

 **ben (10.45 PM):** _Hey, I know it's late, but can we take a raincheck tomorrow? I'm coming down with the flu and I don't want you to get sick because of me. I'll let you choose the movie next time._

 _Don't be a child about this_ , she tells herself. _He's just sick, and he doesn't want you to be sick too. He's doing it for you. When was the last time somebody has done something for you?_

Her thoughts linger on Ben for a moment - the way he had looked in his apartment, staring down at her with an awestruck expression, telling her he liked her. _You're a good friend_ , he had added, hastily, blushing so hard she had felt the heat coming from him. She hadn't bought it, of course, and it's getting harder to pretend she doesn't feel anything at all.

 **rey (11.15 PM):** _sure, np! take care of urself. or make buttercup take care of u :)_

 **ben (11.15 PM):** _I will. Thank you for understanding._

Then, as she's falling asleep hugging her pillow, she hears her phone beep again.

 **ben (11.30 PM):** _I will miss you._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/)!  
> i might actually not be very active right now because i'm studying for my exam next month, but i promise i'll be there if you want to chat or anything else ♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are, the last chapter! thank you so much for every kind word and every kudo and bookmark, you are really the sweetest community ever ♥

Ben is not an easy person to deal with when he's sick.

Poe would stare blankly at him, eyebrows barely raised in a challenge, and remind him that he's not an easy person to deal with, period, but being sick makes him clingy and needy and all-around impossible to stand, and it's with a wince that he re-reads the last text he has sent Rey, just a second ago, between a sneeze and the other.

_I will miss you_ , the screen shows him, and a part of him wants to crawl into a hole and disappear from civilization for the rest of his life, while the rest of him, dizzy and hazed by the flu, is just thinking about Rey, her warm eyes and the way she leans into him sometimes, the way her giggle resounds in his apartment, almost a living thing enveloping him.

He'd like to have her here, he thinks as he burrows into his pillow and hides his face into the obscene amount of blankets he has surrounded himself with. She'd wrap him in blankets and take care of him, and he'd let her do it, for once, without even thinking of uttering a protest. She'd reassure him and cards her fingers through his hair, and Ben would purr, happy and dazed and _warm_.

He has to remind himself that Rey is not actually here, and, anyway he shouldn't be thinking about her this way. His face feels on fire, and he knows it's not because of the fever.

Buttercup stares at him with a knowing look, her eyes both warm and skeptical as if to tell him she knows exactly what he's thinking about and she's judging him for it. He locks his phone and places it on his nightstand, aware that is probably late and Rey won't reply to his cringe-worthy text. He doesn't know if he's relieved or not, but he feels awfully exposed as Buttercup observes his movements, as if she could somehow read into his mind and understand what is happening inside him.

Knowing her, she probably can. She doesn't look very impressed with him.

"Shut up," he tells her, lying back on his bed and staring at the ceiling, hoping to forget the thought of Rey for a while. He sniffles, pathetically, and shivers as he snuggles into the fort of blankets he has build for himself. Buttercup stares down at him with her big, warm eyes, and then nuzzles closer, her snout against his face, her gaze fixed on him. "It's not like she can drop everything and come here to take care of me. And she doesn't feel the same, anyway," he adds, bitterly.

He's too dazed by the cold and the medicine to realize he's talking to his _dog_. Buttercup tilts her head as if to better hear him, and lets out a little whine at his words, as she steps a little bit closer. She keeps on staring at him, her small paws pressed against his side as she nuzzles her little head against his face, giving him big, wet kisses. He thinks he's getting better at understanding her, but it's still with a sense of surprise that he realizes she's worried for him.

_Oh_.

It's almost automatic to raise his hand and bring it to her little head, fingers finding so easily their way beneath her ear to scratch her and pet her the way she likes, as he has done so many times before. She closes her eyes for a second, the contented expression he knows so well on her face, but then he sneezes, and her eyes shoot open, her paws digging into his arm as she leans in and makes sure he's okay. The thought makes his heart clench, and maybe it's the flu, or maybe it's the fact that Buttercup has melted something frozen deep inside him, but he feels almost on the verge of tears.

She must sense it, because she leans in to lick his face again. 

He pats the mattress, trying to catch her attention. "It's okay, sweetie, don't worry," he tells her, reassuring her as best as he can. She seems restless and distressed, as if she could pick up his emotions, and he reaches out to pet her again, her head so small into his palm, trying to soothe her. "I'm okay, it's just a flu. Let's get to sleep, alright? I'll feel better".

This seems to calm her somehow. Buttercup curls against him, her warmth spreading through his bones as he turns the light off and goes back to stare at his ceiling, his hand placed on the poodle's head, as if to reassure her. He closes his eyes, wondering what Rey is dreaming about right now. The thought of not seeing her makes him feel uneasy, as if something important had just been ripped away from him, and he must admit it's getting ever more difficult to pretend he doesn't feel anything for her.

He wonders for a minute if she feels something for him. It must be the flu or the medicine (or both) talking, but he can picture her radiant smile, and the way she had laced their fingers together, her thumb brushing against the back of his hand with infinite tenderness, and he tells himself that maybe this is really happening.

After a while, he hears the rhythmic sound of Buttercup's breathing, steady and soft, and he tries to focus only on that, and not on Rey or on the fact that he can't seem to shake the cold off, despite how many blankets he has wrapped himself in. He curls his body around the small poodle, and closes his eyes, sniffling pitifully.

He manages to fall asleep, somehow, and when he wakes up from a nightmare he's glad for the comforting presence of Buttercup next to him.

*

When somebody knocks at his door, next afternoon, he's both surprised and terrified, and stares down at Buttercup, currently resting on his bed, as if she could somehow save him from this.

When it becomes obvious that, no matter how smart and brilliant his dog is, she can't answer the door for him, not now and probably not ever, he sighs, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders as if it were a cape, and drags himself out of bed, bracing himself for whatever is coming. He opens the door with a sigh and a sneeze.

_What a sight I must be_ , he thinks.

He wasn't sure of what he was expecting. Maybe Poe, despite having spent the whole day assuring him he was fine, he had soup and medicine and Buttercup and he could manage a flu all by himself, no need for him to come take care of him like a baby. Poe, with his big grin and the comfort of his presence, and the way he awkwardly tries to be there for him despite how much Ben has always pushed him away this past year.

Instead, it's Rey.

It takes him a minute to blink her in and process the fact that she's there, in front of him, at his door, hazel eyes and golden freckles. She's wrapped in a big coat and a scarf that looks very soft, and she's carrying a grocery bag. There's a big, warm smile on her face, so warm his insides are doing funny things even now.

Her smile turns hesitant as she catches his gaze, as if she expected him to close the door on her. "Hey!"

He opens his mouth, then closes it. Then, because he's still light-headed from the combination of sickness and medicine, he says the dumbest thing he can come up with, which is definitely not new, especially when he's in Rey's presence. "Are you real?" he asks her, frowning. "Like, are you really here?"

Rey frowns too, but she looks vaguely amused by his questions. "What do you mean?" she replies, her eyebrows arched up, a smile on her lips. "Is this an existential quandary? Is anybody really _here_?"

Despite it all, he can't help the little smile that makes its way onto his face. "No, I mean," he tries to say, nervously rubbing his neck. "I kept thinking about you, I was worried I had dreamed you".

He realizes what he's said only after the words leave his mouth, and then he brings a hand over his lips, as if he could take everything back like this. He wants to _disappear_ and he can feel his face turn crimson, his red ears peeking between his disheveled mess of his hair.

_Jesus Christ, Ben, why don't you stop talking?_

Rey doesn't seem bothered by his words, and her smile only gets softer, so gentle it takes him by surprise. There's a faint pink on her cheeks, but he's not sure if it's from his words or from the cold December air. "I'm real," she reassures him, shifting on her feet and balancing the grocery bag into her arms. "I know you said you're coming down with the flu, but I realized you'd be alone here and I thought I could buy you soup and make you tea and tuck you in bed. If that's okay, I mean. Is it okay?" she asks, suddenly hesitant, as if he could tell her no.

He doesn't even need the time to think about it. "Yes," he says, eagerly, opening up the door and letting her step inside, following her small frame with his gaze as if he couldn't really believe his luck. His heart hammers in his chest as Rey smiles at him, her eyes warm and bright.

Buttercup must have heard the voice of her favorite human (because no matter how much she loves him, Ben is convinced she loves Rey a little bit more, and honestly, he's crushing so hard on Rey that he isn't even offended by it. _Same_ , he wants to tell his dog) because she chooses this moment to come running from the bedroom, sneak past his legs and jump at Rey, wagging her tail and pawing at her jeans, trying her best to catch her attention. Rey is still carrying her grocery bag, so she can't pet her, but she smiles at the poodle in front of her nevertheless, with a pure, sincere happiness that always takes him by surprise.

The way her lips curve upwards, the warmth of all of it, makes his heart clench.

"I missed you too, sweetie, so much," she tells Buttercup, gently. The poodle doesn't stop jumping around her, wagging her little tail and looking as if she had just had the best treat of her life. Ben's heart goes soft in his chest, and he feels the familiar sting of tears again. Fucking flu. "Now, let's take care of your dad, since he clearly can't take care of himself," she adds, teasingly, glancing his way. Her words are accompanied by a smirk, but there's no trace of mockery in the back of her eyes, and her voice is so full of fondness it makes him breathless for a moment.

Rey shoulders past him, stepping into his apartment followed by a very happy mess of a poodle, and walks around with a familiarity that has him surprised, as if he hadn't realized how many days she had spent here at his place. She reaches his kitchen, as Buttercup happily follows her, and places the bag on his table, taking out the items one by one.

Soup, tea, a chocolate bar. There's some tablet of medications, too. His heart clenches at the sight, as he observes her. She moves around his apartment as if she belonged there, and in a way, she does - he has been living here for years, but this whole place has never looked as alive as it is when she's around. 

His head still feels dizzy, so he sits down at the table as he watches her divest of her coat and scarf, placing them on a chair, and fill his cupboards with the things she has brought, and something in his heart definitely gives up. He knows he had lost the fight even before he could brace himself for it, and he has to admit he's completely in love with her, with this strange, kind girl that teases him and stares at him with stars in her eyes.

A shiver runs down his spine, and he doesn't know if it's from the flu or from the realization, but in the end he burrows into his blanket, wrapping it tightly around himself and curling on his chair. Buttercup stops following Rey around and turns to him, her big eyes fixed on his face as she steps closer and rests her little head against his legs, as if to comfort him.

"Hey," Rey must notice his movements, because she stops what she's doing and turns into his direction. "How are you feeling?"

Ben tries to smile. "Never been better," he tells her, flashing her a grin. Then, he sneezes, and shivers and Buttercup stares at him with her knowing gaze. "If _better_ means feeling like you have just been run over by a truck, I guess".

Rey lets out a small laughter, and shakes her head, as she comes to stand before him. It's been a while, but he still isn't used to her closeness, and when her hand comes to brush against his forehead, pushing a few strands of hair back, and then pressing against his skin, he can't help the shiver that runs down his spine. The touch of her palm is cool and refreshing, and he sighs at the contact, closing his eyes for a second.

"Ben, you're burning up," she announces, and then scrunches her nose in that adorable way he's so fond of. "Have you eaten anything in the last twenty four hours?"

The blank look he gives her must be enough of an answer, because she sighs and her hands fly to his blanket, wrapping it even more tightly around his shoulders. Her fingers linger a little bit as her palms come to rest against his chest, and he's so taken aback by her that he doesn't know what to say.

Her eyes are worried, when he meets her gaze. "You look really pale," she whispers, her voice so low, almost as if she was scared of startling him.

He must look like shit, he thinks, red nose and bags under his eyes and the face of someone who has just run into a wall of solid concrete, but she's kind enough not to mention it. "Thank you for not saying I look like hell," he tells her, going for a grin.

"Shut up," she replies, flashing him a small smile. Her fingers slowly trail up to his face again, and it takes all his willpower to prevent himself from nuzzling into her palm, as she tucks a few strands of hair beneath his ear, fingertips brushing against the shell of his ear. He whimpers at the contact, and she glances his way, but doesn't stop touching him. He's glad. "Why haven't you called me? Or someone else, for the matter? Don't you have someone who can take care of you? Your editor?"

His brain still feels mushy, so it takes him a moment to process all her questions, and then he frowns, confused. "What? _Hux_?" he replies, cringing as he thinks about Hux here, taking care of him. He'd rather jump from the window and plummet to his death. "He's a good editor, but I wouldn't trust him with it. I mean, his idea of taking care of me would probably be covering me in gasoline and set fire to my sick body".

Rey lets out her silvery giggle, as her fingers keep on threading through his hair, gently. The fact that she's here just because she thought he'd be alone and she wanted to take care of him makes his heart twist in his ribcage, and it's the reason he opens his mouth and tells her the truth.

"I have a friend. I mean, a best friend, you know. We've been knowing each other since childhood ... he was the one who taught me how to ride a bike, and we got drunk together at my sixteenth birthday. See this scar?" he points out to the indentation on his forehead, a fading white line almost invisible next to his hairline. Rey's fingers brush against it, and he smiles at the memory. "I was so hammered I walked right into the wall of our old treehouse. Apparently I bumped into a nail, or something like that".

Her fingers are still brushing against the old scar, when she replies. "He sounds great," she says, with a smile. Her voice is low and gentle and he wants to close his eyes and let her lull him to sleep as she talks to him, reassuring him and murmuring sweet nothings right to his ear.

It takes him a lot to prevent his eyes from fluttering shut.

Ben nods, pressing his lips together. "He is. The thing is ... he has been taking care of me a lot, in the past year," he tells her, quietly, staring down at his hands, following the patterns of the few moles scattered on his skin. "After my mother died last year, I've been kind of a mess. He was the one who put me back together and convinced me to start seeing a therapist. He was the one who recommended me your shelter, the one who pushed me to adopt Buttercup. I've made him worry a lot, you know? So I thought I could deal with a fever myself ".

He doesn't dare to raise his eyes, but he hears - almost _feels_ , like a living thing, humming around him - the sharp intake of her breath. She stays in silence for a few seconds, then her other hand reaches for his arm and her fingers curve against his muscles, almost gripping him.

"Ben, you are allowed to ask for help," she murmurs, so softly. Her voice is still so full of tenderness, of fondness, of something he wants to believe in. "You don't have to do this on your own. Why didn't you call _me_?"

It takes him a lot to finally raise his eyes, but when he does, he's met with a warm, gentle smile, and hazel eyes full of affection. Full of something he doesn't dare to speak of, too afraid of imagining it.

"I don't know," he says, but she gives him a knowing look, and he lets out a breathy exhale that could almost pass for a tired laugh. Her fingers dig into his arm, but he doesn't mind - it feels like it's the only thing tethering him to the universe, like he's floating on a cloud and Rey is the thread of light guiding him home. He shivers. "You're here for Buttercup, not for me. You shouldn't have to deal with my problems".

And, surprisingly, Rey laughs. It's a quiet little sound, so brief, so gentle. "Sweetheart," she says. He flinches, blinking her in, as if to make sure he's not imagining this, imagining _her_. "I love Buttercup, but she's not the reason I am here. She's not been the reason for a long time".

It's too much - the flu and the medicine and Rey and everything. A sob escapes his lips, and he finds himself swaying, as if the whole room had started to rotate, but Rey is there, and she catches him, her wiry arms stronger than he expected. There's a metaphor in it, he thinks, but he's too tired to think about it, and he lets her hold him, and sinks into her, resting his head upon her shoulder. Even as he sits, he's taller than her, but it feels nice to stand like this, his head buried into the crook of her neck, burning lips pressed against her skin.

"Hey," she murmurs, quietly, her fingers carding through his hair in slow, reassuring movements. "It's okay, I've got you, I've got you, Ben," she keeps on saying, her lips so close to his ear, her voice so gentle it undoes him completely.

He tells her he's sorry, he tells her once, then twice, then maybe a third time too. He's not actually sure - the only thing he remembers is the warmth of her embrace, and the way her words seem to soothe something deep within him, something he had tried to bury a long time ago.

At some point, he feels something rasping against his legs, and he pulls away from Rey only to meet Buttercup's gaze, her warm eyes full of concern as she paws at his sweatpants. It reminds him of when he wakes in the middle of the night, and the poodle is pressed right against him, ready to comfort him. Rey lets out a little laugh, her arms still wrapped tightly around him.

"You're scaring Buttercup," she states. "Don't worry, sweetie, your dad is okay, he's just a little bit sick," she adds, as he turns to face her again. There's a small, sweet smile on her lips and he'd die to kiss her, but he doesn't. Her hand slowly travels from his neck to his face, cupping his jaw. "Why don't you go sitting on the couch and reassure her while I make you a cup of tea? Don't give me that look, you've got to eat something, sweetheart".

It's not about the tea. He's surprised, and he stares at her with what he thinks is awe. He is so taken aback by her, he doesn't even feel embarrassed about it. "You want ..." he says, words failing him as she tilts her head and stares at him with the same smile he knows so well, both gentle and teasing. "You want to stay? Even if I'm like this?"

Rey lets out another small laughter. "Yes," she replies, immediately, without hesitation. Her eyebrows shoot up. "Do you want me to stay?"

As if he could want something else. He nods, quickly, not sure how to express that thought into words right now, but she doesn't seem to mind, because she smiles again, brushing her thumb against his cheekbone. "Good," she says.

Then, before he can say anything, her hands come to grip his shoulders for purchase as she presses a kiss right to the corner of his mouth. "Go sit on the couch, I'll be with you in a moment".

He's too dumbfounded to protest, and he does as instructed, Buttercup trailing behind him with the same look of concern in her eyes. She's quick to jump in his lap as soon as he settles on the couch, wrapping the blanket around the both of them, and he rubs her belly, trying to reassure her and make her understand he's okay. Her warm eyes never leave him, but she relaxes under his touch the same way he relaxes hearing Rey shuffling in the kitchen, putting on his kettle and grabbing a mug from his cupboard.

She does it with a familiarity he finds breathtaking, as if she had spent years in his apartment, and not just few, random days. He'd like her to be around everyday, he thinks.

Buttercup curls in his lap, resting her head upon his knee as he pets her, and by the time Rey pads through his living room with a mug of hot tea in her hand and a plate of cookies in the other, she has fallen asleep, snoring lightly as he scratches her beneath her ears, as if deeply exhausted by her worries.

"Here," Rey says, softly, handing him the mug and the cookies, and then sitting beside him on the couch, careful not to wake Buttercup up. "She has grown quite fond of you, hasn't she?"

He eyes the lapful of sleeping dog he has found himself with, the way her little body rises and falls with her breath, and a smile automatically comes up to his face. "Strangely, she has," he replies, as he brings the cup of tea to his lips.

The beverage is hot, but its heat is pleasant, and he sighs, contented. He feels - tired, but also at peace for the moment, as if the whole year had prepared him for this. For this feeling of peace settling over him, after having spent so many months clawing at his own heart, hoping for the grief to pass. He had never talked about it so willingly - of course, he has told the truth to Poe and his therapist, but he finds out he wants to share it with Rey, tell her everything, let her understand him.

_In time_ , he thinks. _She's not going anywhere._

Rey shuffles closer, her body pressed against his, so warm and soft. Hesitantly, she raises her hand and meets his gaze, as if asking for permission, and Ben is quick to nod, inching even closer. She starts carding her fingers through his hair, pushing back a few strands as he relaxes under her touch. It's new, but it's not unsettling - it feels like the natural development of their friendship, as if it was always meant to be like this, since that first day so many Sundays ago.

"Your hair is so soft," she informs him, and he laughs, quietly. He shivers a little bit, but this time he knows it's less from the flu, and more because of the way her fingers thread through his strands. "I've always wanted to do this".

He turns into her direction. "What? Touch my hair?" he asks her, frowning in confusion. Rey's face turns a lovely shade of pink under his gaze, but she doesn't look away, and if she's embarrassed, she doesn't show it. He has never met someone like her before, and his heart thunders against the bones of his ribcage as her smile turns softer.

"Yes," she admits, so easily. She curls a strand around her finger, and sighs, her lashes trembling slightly as her eyes flutter shut for a second. "I've been wondering how soft it was since that first day at the shelter," she adds, opening again her eyes and looking at him with a mixture of fondness and devotion.

It's so clear and obvious and real that he can't do anything but swallow.

He wants to tell her a lot of things - about how scared he was, of not being able to love Buttercup right because he had never been able to love someone right, of not being the owner she deserved, of being faulty and undeserving of such a devotion as he had been undeserving of his parents' love, but something in the way she stares at him makes him understand that, somehow, she knows.

He isn't scared of not being able to love her right anymore.

He doesn't tell her, but he knows she can read the thought on his face, and he doesn't mind it at all. "Want to watch a movie?" he asks her, instead, a tentative smile on his lips. "I promised I'd let you choose, after all".

He's rewarded by her silvery laugh, and a kiss pressed right against his forehead.

That's how they end up curled against each other, Rey's head on his shoulder, her hand in his, fingers intertwined, her breath ghosting over his neck. Their bodies fit so nicely together, and Ben can't help the quietness washing over him as he keeps her close, warmth in the pit of his stomach, the blanket enveloping both of them as she nestles her body right against his. She has put on a romantic comedy, and at some point during the movie he starts to drift to sleep, his head resting on top of hers.

"M' sorry," he murmurs, eyes fluttering shut, and the last thing he hears before a blissfully dreamless sleep takes him is Rey's quiet giggle.

*

Next morning, he's woken up by the feeling of something licking his face and something warm enveloping him.

His eyes slowly flutter open, lashes trembling slightly as he gradually comes to, and the first thing he notices is Buttercup, perched up on his arm, her paws digging into his muscles, as she intently licks his face, her snout pressed against his cheekbone.

He groans, flailing an arm as if to make her stop. The poodle pays no mind to his movements and keeps on licking his face with her usual determination. "Buttercup, _nooo_ ," he murmurs, groggily. His mind still feels hazed, but he thinks he's getting better because at least he knows what is real and what is not, and he tries to roll on his side to avoid Buttercup's insistent kisses, but when he does, he realizes he's not lying on his bed at all.

He's lying on Rey.

She's already looking at him, her eyes so bright in the quiet morning light. "Morning," she tells him, as he slowly moves his head to face her. She's splayed out on his couch, and he's lying on top of her, his head resting on her chest, her arms around him, their legs a mess of tangled limbs under the blanket. She's smiling, and all of it speaks of an intimacy he never knew he could have.

It takes him a few seconds to make his brain work, and then he's left staring and gaping at her. "Oh my God," he murmurs, cheeks turning red under her gaze. "I fell asleep on you, I'm so sorry, I-".

His apologies are met with a gentle smile. "Shut up," she tells him, earning a surprised look from him.

She lets out a small little laugh, her hands coming to brush a few strands of hair out of his face. He must have the worst case of bed (well, couch) hair imaginable, but she's not teasing him about it. Instead, she runs her fingers through his locks and stares at him with adoration in the back of her eyes, and Ben is left gaping again for a few minutes, blushing furiously, the tips of his ears burning by now.

"How are you feeling?" she asks him, in the end. Buttercup must have decided she had licked his face enough for the moment being, because she curls on the couch next to Rey and nuzzles against her, happily.

His heart twists at the sight. "I'm better," he replies. He's not shivering anymore, and his head feels a little bit clearer, and when Rey brings her hand on his forehead again, she smiles at him.

"Yeah, you're not burning anymore," she informs him, going back to thread her finger through his hair. He doesn't know how to thank her, so he just sighs and rests his head against her chest again, relishing in the way she hums, fingers playing with his strands. The moment is so quiet Ben can't believe it's really happening - it feels solemn, with Rey wrapped around him, her fingers carding through his hair, the other hand running up and down his back, following the line of his spine.

He wants to live in this moment forever.

Before one of them can say anything, though, the door of his apartment bursts open, and someone makes their way into his living room. Ben is so surprised he doesn't even remember how to move, and Rey stares back at him with panic in her eyes. Buttercup's head shots up, and her tail starts wagging furiously.

"Hey, Ben! Are you okay?" Poe's voice exclaims, and he can sigh in relief, his heart slowing down, even if he's still puzzled by his friend breaking into his apartment without a good reason. "Look, I'm sorry I used the key you gave me for emergency, but last time I heard you, you were sick and you haven't picked up your phone in almost twenty four hours so I guess this is an emergen- _whaaaaat_ ".

There's a moment of awkward silence, in which Poe stands awkwardly in front of his couch and stares at the two of them still tangled together, and Ben and Rey just stare back at Poe, while Buttercup jumps excitedly around the newcomer. Ben feels his cheeks on fire, and he doesn't know what to say, so he's with a sense of surprise that he notices Rey moving to better look at Poe.

"Poe?" she says, raising her eyebrows.

It takes him a moment to wrap his still feverish mind around it, and when he does, he turns to face Rey, gaping. He realizes it's kind of becoming an habit, when Rey's involved. "Wait," he says, his sleepy brain struggling to keep up with what is happening in front of him. "You know him?"

Rey gapes at him too. " _You_ know him?"

"Oh, this is going to be _magnificent_ ," Poe says, crashing down on Ben's armchair as if it belonged to him, crossing his legs and staring at the two of them with a smirk on his face, as if they were some sort of funny show he didn't want to miss for anything in the world. "How long has this going on for?"

Ben feels weirdly under interrogation as Poe stares at the both of them. It takes him a moment to realize he's still lying on top of Rey, and her hands are still into his hair, and, as much as he hates the thought of moving away from her, he musters all his strength and pulls away, sitting upright as best as he can, trying to look as dignified as possible while still sick and with a blanket wrapped around his legs.

Poe is still staring at him, expectantly, eyebrows raised.

"A few months," Ben murmurs, rubbing his neck and doing his best to avoid his friend's gaze, glancing in Rey's direction. Her cheeks are red, and she looks adorable as she sits too, staring straight at Poe with no trace of embarrass on her face except for her slight blush. Warmth pools in Ben's stomach, and he likes her so much right now.

"A few _months_?" Poe repeats, in disbelief, as Ben turns to face him again. Something seems to click in Poe's brain, because his eyes widen and he brings a hand to his mouth. "Oh my God. The fucking _shirt_. Oh my god, Rey, Ben's the guy you kept telling Finn and Rose about?"

He's too stunned to even understand what's going on. " _What?_ ".

Rey, bless her soul, doesn't even flinch. She straightens her spine and stares right ahead of her, looking at Poe with such a surety Ben is both terrified and awestruck. "He is," she replies, quietly. "I didn't know you knew each other," she adds, with a shrug.

Poe blinks one, then twice.

Ben is sure his best friend is about to spontaneously combust, so he decides to intervene. "He's the friend I told you about yesterday," he says, bringing a hand on Rey's back, fingers digging into her sweater. She doesn't seem to mind, and leans into him, her body still so warm and soft. "My best friend, I mean".

She's clearly surprised. Her eyes are widened, and her lips are a perfect O. He wants to kiss her so much right now, but he tries not to think about it. "Oh".

" _Know each other_ , she says," Poe mutters under his breath, shaking his head. "You do realize me and Finn have tried to set the both of you up for the past three months? And now I find out you were already _dating_ ".

He doesn't bother and try to deny it, and neither does Rey. They just turn to stare at each other, and the realization finally dawns on him as he looks at her beautiful, freckled face, eyes warm and full of fondness. Rey was that friend of Finn Poe was so eager to introduce him to for all these months. It was her, it has always been her.

She's all parted lips and slack jaw, as the knowledge makes its way into her mind too, and then she laughs, her usual silvery giggle that makes his inside twist in a funny way, and Ben has never felt more at home in his life.

*

**rey (9:17 PM):** _hey how r u feeling_

**ben (9:18 PM):** _Better. Thank you for taking care of me, even if you didn't have to._

Rey takes her time to reply, and Ben's stomach drops for a second as he watches the three dots flicker on screen, appearing and disappearing at intervals. He wonders what she's thinking about right now, and he'd give his whole life to see her, and the way she furrows her brow when she's deep in thought.

**rey (9:21 PM):** _ur an idiot, but ur lucky bc i like u anyway_

His smile is so big and wide and so uncharacteristic that Buttercups looks at him in surprise.

*

"You know," Poe starts, taking a sip of his beer as he stares at Ben with watchful eyes, as if he expected him to do something weird at any moment. "Now that I think about it, it wasn't so unexpected".

It's been a few days, but it's clear that the surprise hasn't worn off yet, because his best friend still stares at him like he's suddenly grown a second head.

Ben raises his eyebrows and gives him a telling look. "You kept accusing us me and Rey of plotting to give you a heart attack," he reminds him, pointing a finger in his direction, a habit he has taken from him, apparently. "Which is, by the way, insane, since you were the one breaking into my apartment".

Poe snorts. "No, I know, but," he says, stealing a fry from his plate under Ben's offended gaze. "Now that I think about it, it was obvious".

His eyebrows arch further up, and Poe laughs again, shaking his head. "Look, Rey had started mentioning seeing someone who had recently adopted a dog at the shelter around the same time you had adopted Buttercup, and you were both unavailable on Sunday, and there was the fucking _shirt_ , I mean ... " he gestures vaguely, staring at him with a focused expression, as if all the clues were written on his face. "I was kind of dumb not to put two and two together, because you weren't exactly being subtle".

_No shit, Sherlock._ He doesn't say it, because he respects his friend, and he feels kind of guilty for having kept this from him. Poe has always been there for him, no matter how grumpy and irritating Ben was and how much he had wanted to shake some sense into him, and it had felt weird, not to tell him something.

"Sorry I didn't tell you about it," he says, in the end, pressing his lips together as he watches his best friend steal another fry from his plate even if his is still full. _Asshole_. "I just ... I didn't even know what it was. Up until yesterday I was convinced she hung around just for Buttercup".

Poe, having known him for more than twenty five years, stares at him, blankly, as if Ben had just said something particularly stupid, which happens more often than not, and he's trying to decide how to insult him for it.

"You dumb sentimental _idiot_ ," he says, after a while, having deliberated that it was the best thing he could come up with on such a short notice. "She has been pining over you since _forever_ , you know".

_No, because I haven't asked her._

Ben shrugs, trying his best not to look as embarrassed as he feels. He wants this conversation to be over, but at the same time he's kind of happy to share this with Poe. Not that he plans to tell him, anyway. "Yeah, well," he replies, trying to sound as casual as possible. "Same".

At this, Poe laughs and shakes his head, as if he couldn't believe this turn of events. Ben can't either, to be honest, because he feels as shocked as he had been yesterday, when Rey had told him that she wasn't there for Buttercup.

He's still trying to convince himself that it really happened.

"Hey," Poe brings him back to reality, his voice softer this time. "I know it may sound weird, and I promise I won't get all emotional again..." he starts. There's a faint blush on his cheeks, but he doesn't pay any attention to it, and so does Ben. "But ... are you okay?"

Silence falls on them, as Ben tries to come up with an answer. Poe's gaze is gentle, but full of concern, and he's reminded of all the times he has made him worry over the past year. He thinks of all the breakdowns he has put him through, all the denial he has put up, all the protests escaping his lips as Poe had dragged him kicking and screaming into his therapist's office that first day so many months ago.  

He deserves an honest answer. "I think I am," he murmurs, flashing him a small, hesitant smile. "Or, I think I'm going to be".

The smile Poe gives him is worth it all. "That's all that matters," he murmurs, and then, surprisingly, he stretches out his arm to pat his shoulder, awkwardly but fondly. Ben doesn't try to protest. "Ah, by the way. I am sorry for breaking into your house like that. I just worried".

He shakes his head. "I know," he murmurs, because he does know. He knows he had every right to be worried, after all. "Thank you for that. Just, don't do that again unless it's a real emergency".

Poe snorts again, stealing the last fry from his plate. "Trust me, man," he says, smirking at him. "I don't plan on walking in you and Rey at all".

He's too shocked to even protest.

"Ah, by the way," Poe adds, with a teasing smirk. "You know Rey worships your books right?"

*

**rey (10:45 PM):** _hey, can i still come over on sunday? btw i'm asking because i want to see u, not your dog, not matter how much i like her. you idiot._

**ben (10.45 PM):** _Rey. You can come over anytime you'd like._

*

His therapist stares at him with watchful eyes, and the hint of a smile just around the corner of her lips. "So," she starts, simply. Her hands are resting on her desk, her fingers splayed on the wooden material. "You're telling me you're doing better?"

It's - _big_. Ben knows it, she knows it. The walls probably know it.

But it's not a lie.

"Yes," he breathes. The nightmares are still there, but Buttercup snuggles closer to him when he wakes up sweating and breathing heavily, and there's still a lot he has to work on, but he thinks about Rey's smile, and for the first time in months, the future doesn't look so bad. "Yes, I think I am".

*

**ben (3:34 PM):** _You know, my book is coming out in a week._

**rey (3:39 PM):** _and u still don't want to tell me the title_

There's a faint smile on his lips, when he types out an answer, and his heart hammers in his chest. It's a stupid idea, he knows it, but the thought doesn't stop him.

**ben (3:41 PM):** _Trust me, you'll know._

*

"You owe me an explanation," Rey announces, storming into his apartment with a book in her hand and a determined expression on her face. She shoulders past him and steps in the middle of his living room, only stopping to pet Buttercup as the dog circles her.

Ben, slightly surprised and quite at loss for words stares at the door, then at Rey, blinking, and then his eyebrows shoot up. "And good morning to you, too," he says, running a hand through his hair. He closes the door with a thud, and turns to face Rey, who's still standing in the middle of his living room, her eyes fierce, her expression resolute. "What are you talking about?"

She gives him a knowing look, and waves the hand that's currently holding a book. Ben has to blink a few times to assure himself that the book is really _A New Order_ , the last and final installment of the _Star Wars_ series.

_Oh_. So, this is happening.

It's not like he has not been expecting it - in fact, just last night his stomach had twisted in a less than pleasant way at Rey mentioning to him she was going to pick up the book first thing in the morning because, as she had put it, she was so excited about it. So, he knew this was coming, and possibly very soon.

But still. This is happening.

"Don't play dumb, you know what I'm talking about," Rey tells him, giving him a stern look, and then crosses her arms over her chest. His gaze falls to the book again, and he gulps, trying to swallow the panic he feels mounting in him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Ben, being Ben, panics. "Tell you what?"

_You dumb idiot, you can't deny your way out of this situation, you planned this._

Rey blinks and stares at him blankly. "Ben," she says, flatly. It kind of reminds him of Poe, when Ben says something stupid and his friend doesn't know how to react. She sighs again and runs a hand through her hair, shakes her head and then flashes him a small smile. Her voice softens on the next few words. "Why didn't you tell me you were Kylo Ren?"

He takes a few, tentative steps in her direction, stepping away from the door where he has stood until now. He lets out a deep breath, as her eyes follow him around. "I didn't know how to tell you," he admits, giving her a hesitant smile.

Rey smiles too, gently, and this spurs him on.

"At first, I didn't know if you, like, knew me at all and I thought it was awkward to tell you that. And then you started talking about it so excitedly and you said all those sweet things about my books and it kind of seemed an asshole move to come out and say _Hey, remember the books you are so passionate about and that helped you? Well, I wrote it_ , so ..." he shrugs, at loss for words to explain his thought process, if there ever was one. "I kept the secret".

Rey tilts her head to the side, her hair brushing against her neck. Her skin is glowing in the morning light, and she looks at ease here, in his apartment, as if she had always belonged here. "But you dedicated the book to me," she says, frowning slightly, as if he didn't already know that. "If you wanted to keep the secret, why did you ..."

_Because I'm an idiot._

"Yeah, well," he interrupts her, shoving his hands in the pocket of his jeans and averting his eyes for a moment. He glances at Buttercup, who's currently sitting on the couch and staring at them with her undivided attention. "I wanted you to know, in a way. So I figured out that maybe you would read the dedication and understand, and we wouldn't have to have this painfully awkward conversation".

There's a moment of silence, and then Rey laughs. The giggle he knows so well echoes in his apartment, and it's like magic, something compelling him to raise his eyes and stare at her. She's still laughing, her shoulders shaking, her nose scrunched up.

She's never been more beautiful.

"That's the dumbest plan I've ever heard," she tells him, when her laughter ebbs. Her voice is so impossibly soft, and tender, and he's so stupidly gone, so stupidly in love with her he doesn't even know how to _exist_.

He rubs his neck. "Well, it's me we're talking about, so," he says, as an explanation, and this makes Rey laugh all over again.

"How in the world we wouldn't had to have this conversation?" she asks him, but the corners of her mouth are curved upwards, and her eyes are shining from what he hopes it's happiness. "In the dedication, you said ..."

He sighs. "I know what I said," he murmurs, quietly, taking another step in her direction. Rey doesn't move, but her breath hitches on her lips as he comes to stand right in front of her, his hands few inches away from hers. "And I meant it. Every word of it".

She doesn't say anything, and he doesn't expect her to, because it's his turn. Now that this moment has arrived, it feels less like panic and more like something big unfurling deep inside him, something blossoming right under his skin. He's not afraid anymore, not when her eyes are soft and full of _love_ , and when he reaches out and takes her hand into his, lacing their fingers together, he knows that's where he belongs.

Rey smiles, and her thumb comes to brush against his knuckles, tenderly.

"I know we've danced around this for a while now, neither of us taking the first step because we were too afraid of ruining it. And I know I've been dumb, thinking you were only coming here because of Buttercup," he tells her, and this makes her smile, gently, her lashes trembling against her cheeks as she blinks him in, her head slightly tilted backward to look at him. "So this is me. Taking the first step".

His other hand comes to brush against her side, and it settles on her waist, his fingers digging into the fabric of her sweater. Rey's breath hitches on her lips, and his heart stops for a minute as he looks at her, bathed in the golden light of the sun.

"And I'm sorry it had to be like this," he adds, shaking his head. "I'm sorry I have written it, instead of saying it out loud, but-"

He never gets to finish the sentence, because Rey lets the book fall down, grabs a fistful of his shirt and pulls him down in a kiss.

Kissing Rey is both exactly how he had imagined and completely different. It's beautiful, her lips pressed against his, so impossibly soft and gentle, and it's tentative, as her hand slowly makes its way up his chest, brushing against his muscles, cupping his face and then sinking into his hair, grasping the strands between her fingers. She lets out a small, sweet sound when he traces the seam of her lips with his tongue, and he'd spend his whole life trying to make her do it again.

Eventually, she has to pull away to breath, but she doesn't let him go. Instead, she wraps her arms around his neck and stares at him with her usual smile, both teasing and gentle at the same time. "I love you too," she says, simply.

And what it surprises him the most is not the fact that she loves him, or that he loves her too, but that it's all so simple and easy, like stepping into the sun and feeling its warmth on his skin. He has spent his whole life trying to understand love, thinking it had to be difficult, but instead, it's natural, and it spills from his lips with no effort.

"You know," he starts, teasingly, lowering himself so he can rest his forehead on hers, breathing her in. "The words _I love you_ were never actually mentioned".

Rey laughs, her fingers playing gently with the hair at the base of his neck. "Oh?" she says, raising her eyebrows, teasingly. "Well, you should say it. It's only fair, after all".

He can't deny her anything. "I love you," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She lets out a huff of breath, as if something in her was still afraid of him not feeling the same way. He kisses his way down her face, bringing his lips at the corner of his mouth. "I love you, I really do," he says again, and then he claims her lips, kissing her until the world stops turning.

When he pulls away, Rey is smiling so brightly he thinks he'll go blind. Then, out of nowhere, she grasp his shoulders for support and _jumps_ , wrapping her legs around his waist with an ease he should found surprising, but he's so dumbfounded about this whole thing he doesn't have it in him.

His hands come to rest under her thighs immediately, balancing her against him, and pulling her even closer. "Sorry," she says, pressing a kiss to his jaw. "I've wanted to do this since I first met you".

Ben laughs. "You wanted to climb me?"

Rey doesn't even have the decency to look ashamed, and he thinks he falls in love with her a little bit more. "Exactly," she says, almost proudly, her fingers sneaking past his the collar of his sweater to brush against his bare shoulders. He knows he's blushing, but _who cares_. Her fingertips trace small patterns against his skin, sending little shockwaves down his spine. "Take me to bed, Kylo Ren".

He can't help but laugh as he walks them around, guiding them towards his bedroom. His mind is still trying to process this, but his body is more than eager to please her, so he tries to follow its advice and go for it.

"You know," she says, pressing a very distracting kiss to his jaw, nibbling slightly at it and eliciting a small whimper from his lips. "I expected you to be older".

He scoffs. "Well, I'm a grumpy old man at heart, so you weren't that far off".

The whole apartment fills with the sound of her laughter.

*

_"For Rey, who made me understand_  
_why I've spent my whole life trying_  
_to put love into words"._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, this was basically just an excuse for fluff and wholesome doggo content, you're very welcome. and yes, that is a shameless taylor swift quote at the end (You Are In Love is actually the song that inspired this whole thing, so I couldn't leave it out :D). i hope you enjoyed this silly little story as much as i enjoyed writing it ♥
> 
> i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/)! i might not be very active because i have an exam mid-september and university is starting next month, but i promise to be there anyway. also, there's a link to my ko-fi on my tumblr, if you want to support my cheesy ass so i can write more shameless fluff :D

**Author's Note:**

> i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/akosmia) and [tumblr](http://kylorensx.tumblr.com/)! i am terrible at human interactions but come chat with me if you want to ♥


End file.
